Families also experience tension between openness and protection. In any close relationship—family bonds included—we want both to share personal information and to protect ourselves from the possible negative consequences of such sharing (Afifi & Steuber, 2010). In families, the tension between these two needs is even more pronounced. For example, your family may be extremely close, and as a consequence almost anything that you tell one family member quickly becomes common knowledge. This creates a dilemma when you want to share something with only one family member. Do you disclose the information, knowing that within a week’s time your entire family will also know it, or do you withhold it?

According to Communication Privacy Management Theory (Petronio, 2000), individuals create informational boundaries by carefully choosing the kind of private information they reveal and the people with whom they share it. These boundaries are constantly shifting, depending on the degree of risk associated with disclosing information. The more comfortable people feel disclosing, the more likely they are to reveal sensitive information. Inversely, people are less likely to share when they expect negative reactions to the disclosure (Afifi & Steuber, 2010).

Within families, these boundaries are defined by family privacy rules: the conditions governing what family members can talk about, how they can discuss such topics, and who should have access to family-relevant information (Petronio & Caughlin, 2006). In some families, members feel free to talk about any topic, at any time, and in any situation. In other families, discussion of more sensitive topics such as politics and religion may be permissible only in certain settings (for example, discussing politics over dinner but not during breakfast). Or, some topics may be permanently excluded from your family discussion altogether: personal sexual history, assault, or abuse; financial woes; or health problems. Breaking a family privacy rule by forcing discussion of a “forbidden” topic can cause intense emotional discomfort among other family members and may prompt the family to exclude the “rule breaker” from future family interactions. Keep this in mind before you force discussion of an issue that other family members consider off-limits.

Family privacy rules govern how family members talk about topics as well—including what’s considered an acceptable opinion and how deeply family members can explore these opinions. It may be acceptable to talk at any time about the personal lives of family members, for instance, but only if your comments are positive.

Additionally, family privacy rules identify the people with whom family members can talk. If your family holds a particular religious or political viewpoint that is at odds with surrounding neighbors’ views, you might be instructed to avoid these topics when conversing with neighborhood friends (e.g. “This stays within the family”).

Although family privacy rules help guide members in balancing openness and protection, they can also amplify tension within families as people age. When children grow up, the parent-child relationship often shifts from being authority based to friendship based (Silverstein & Giarrusso, 2010). As this occurs, people may feel pressure to change long-standing privacy rules. For example, even if your family has never openly discussed severe illness, you may feel compelled to talk about this topic if your mother starts displaying early symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease.

How can you improve your family privacy rules and, in doing so, bring about a better balance of openness and protection? First, remember that all families have approved and taboo conversational topics, certain viewpoints they promote over others, and people whom they include or exclude from receiving information about the family. Effective family privacy rules aren’t “one size fits all.” Instead, they should strike the balance between openness and protection that best fits your family. Second, be respectful of the varying opinions and preferences individual family members have regarding openness and protection. Keep in mind that if your family communication pattern is low on conversation orientation and high on conformity orientation, any push for a change in privacy rules may strike others as a threat to the family.

Finally, if you believe that your family privacy rules should be altered to allow greater openness or increased protection, avoid abrupt, dramatic, and demanding calls for change—“We need to learn how to talk more openly about sex!” Such pronouncements will likely offend family members and put them on the defensive. Instead, identify a single family member who you think might share your views. Discuss your desire for change with him or her by using your interpersonal competence skills and cooperative language (Chapters 1 and 7). Ask this person’s opinion on the possibility of modifying your family’s privacy rules, and invite him or her to suggest ideas for implementing the change. If he or she agrees that change is needed, identify an additional family member who might also concur. Then initiate a three-way discussion. Changes in long-standing family privacy rules—especially for low conversation, high conformity families—are best accomplished slowly through interactions with one family member at a time.