A contributing factor to Ashlee and Rachel’s falling out was their geographic separation, which led them to grow apart. Separation is one of the most common and intense challenges friends face (Wang & Andersen, 2007). Upwards of 90 percent of people report having at least one long-distance friendship, and 80 percent report having a close friend who lives far away (Rohlfing, 1995). Physical separation prevents friends from adequately satisfying the needs that form the foundation of their relationship, such as sharing activities and intimate self-disclosure.

Although most friends begin long-distance separations with the intention of seeing each other regularly, they rarely visit solely for the sake of reuniting. Instead, they tend to see each other only when there’s some other reason for them to be in the same area. This is because long-distance friends often don’t have the money or time to travel only to visit a friend (Rohlfing, 1995). Instead, they visit when other commitments such as professional conferences, visits with relatives, or class reunions bring them together. Such contacts often leave friends feeling empty because their time together is so limited.

Which friendships tend to survive geographic distance, and which lapse? Friendships where the individuals have a particularly strong sense of liking and who “enjoy knowing each other” and “have great admiration for each other” are most likely to endure. Friends who overcome separation also accept change as a natural part of their relationship. If you get together with a good friend you haven’t seen in a long while, you both likely will have changed in terms of profession, attitudes, and appearance. People who are comfortable with such changes, and offer identity support, tend to have relationships that survive. Friends who want their friends to “always stay the same,” don’t.

Moreover, friendships that survive separation involve friends who have a strong sense of shared history. In their conversations, they frequently celebrate the past as well as anticipate sharing events in the future. This sense of shared past, present, and future enables them to “pick up where they left off” after being out of touch for a while. Successful long-distance friendships thus involve feeling a sense of relationship continuity and perceiving the relationship as solid and ongoing.

How can you communicate in ways that foster these qualities in your own long-distance friendships? Use technology (Skype, Facebook, phone, text, etc.) to regularly communicate with your friends. Focus your communication on activities and interests that you share. Doing this alleviates the feeling of loss that comes with the inability to actually spend time together (Rabby, 1997). So, for example, if a friend who now lives far away used to be your jogging buddy, send her regular updates on your marathon training and inquire about her local races.

Also, remind your long-distance friends that you still think of them with affection and hold them in high regard. Look for opportunities to appropriately express your feelings for your friend, such as: “I miss our Thursday movie nights! Have you seen any good films lately?” In addition, devote some of your communication to fondly recounting events and experiences you have shared in your past, as well as discussing plans for the future. Such exchanges bolster the sense of relational continuity critical to maintaining friendships.

Finally, when your long-distance friends go through dramatic life changes—as they inevitably will—communicate your continued support of their valued social identities. For instance, a close friend you haven’t seen in a while may abandon previously shared religious beliefs, adopt new political viewpoints, or substantially alter his or her looks. In making these and other kinds of significant changes, your friend may look to you for identity support, as a friend. A good friend will express firm support and excitement regarding these decisions.