Friends with Benefits
No jealousy. No flowers. No sleepovers. No cuddling. These and other rules are established by the characters Emma and Adam in the movie No Strings Attached, in an attempt to add sex to their friendship while avoiding romantic attachment. At first it works out great: Emma can focus on her medical career, and Adam can continue to date (and sleep with) other people. However, their deal sours as feelings arise between them that clash with the rules they’ve established.
Adam attempts to follow the rules of his FWB relationship by giving Emma a bouquet of carrots instead of flowers in No Strings Attached. However, like many FWB relationships, Adam and Emma eventually have to deal with the romantic impulses they feel toward each other.
Dale Robinette/© Paramount Pictures/Courtesy Everett Collection
Like Emma and Adam in No Strings Attached, some friends deal with sexual attraction by forming a “friends-with-benefits” (FWB) relationship. In FWB relationships, the participants engage in sexual activity, but not with the purpose of transforming the relationship into a romantic attachment (Hughes, Morrison, & Asada, 2005). FWB relationships appear to be widespread. Studies suggest that around 50 percent of college students have had such a relationship (Mongeau, Ramirez, & Vorrell, 2003).
Those who form FWB relationships do so for two reasons: they welcome the lack of commitment (and all its attendant sacrifices), and they want to satisfy sexual needs (Asada et al., 2003). Both men and women cite these same reasons, contradicting stereotypes that women seek only emotional satisfaction in relationships while men want only sex.
Most partners in FWB relationships develop rules regarding emotional attachment, communication, and sex, akin to those depicted in No Strings Attached (Hughes et al., 2005). For example, they commonly strike an agreement to not fall in love. And they establish rules governing the frequency of phone calls, e-mails, and text messages as well as safe sex practices, frequency of sex, and sexual exclusivity. But despite these rules, the majority of FWB relationships fail eventually, costing the participants their original friendship as well as the sexual arrangement. Why? As with Emma and Adam, participants tend to develop romantic feelings despite their best efforts to avoid them, and many decide that the FWB relationship doesn’t satisfy them enough emotionally (Hughes et al., 2005).
Self-Reflection
Have you had an FWB relationship? If so, what were the pros and cons? Did you and your friend establish rules for the relationship? If so, what were they? How well did you both follow those rules?
Question
SAU+N/gp52n13yxlBf2c1eCpo6JZBamSt8qsPmacexY=LearningCurve
Chapter 12
Postscript
We began this chapter with a snowstorm and two television employees trapped together. Huddled within the shelter of a warm apartment, Oprah Winfrey and Gail King learned that despite their different backgrounds, they shared the same sensibilities. The friendship that sparked would not only stand the test of time but would become world famous.
Which friends love you, respect you, and want the best for you? On whom can you count to lift you up and support you, in good times and bad?
Although the relationship between Oprah and Gayle may be iconic, it mirrors the friendships we experience in our own lives. Like us, they were drawn to each other through shared interests, viewpoints, and values. And like the bonds we forge with our friends, theirs remains cemented through trust, communication, and support.