Self-awareness is the ability to view yourself as a unique person distinct from your surrounding environment and to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. According to sociologist George Herbert Mead (1934), self-awareness helps you to have a strong sense of your self because during interpersonal encounters you monitor your own behaviors and form impressions of who you are from such observations. For example, your best friend texts you that she has failed an important exam. You feel bad for her, so you text her a sympathetic response. Your self-awareness of your compassion and your observation of your kindhearted message lead you to think: “I’m a caring and supportive friend.”

As we’re watching and evaluating our own actions, we also engage in social comparison : observing and assigning meaning to others’ behavior and then comparing it against ours. Social comparison has a particularly potent effect on self when we compare ourselves against people we wish to emulate. When we compare favorably against respected others, we think well of ourselves; when we don’t compare favorably, we think less of ourselves.

You can greatly enhance your interpersonal communication by practicing a targeted kind of self-awareness known as critical self-reflection. To engage in critical self-reflection, ask yourself the following questions:

The ultimate goal of critical self-reflection is embodied in the last question: How can I improve? Improving your interpersonal communication is possible only when you accurately understand how your self drives your communication behavior. In the remainder of this chapter, and in the marginal Self-Reflection exercises you’ll find throughout this book, we help you make links between your self and your communication.