Renowned sociologist Erving Goffman (1955) noted that whenever you communicate with others, you present a public self—your face —that you want others to see and know. Your face can be anything you want it to be—“perky and upbeat,” “cool and level-headed,” or “tough as nails.” We create different faces for different moments and relationships in our lives, such as our face as a parent, college student, coworker, or homeless-shelter volunteer.

Sometimes your face is a mask , a public self designed to strategically veil your private self (Goffman, 1959). Masks can be dramatic, such as when Rick Welts hid his grief over the loss of his longtime partner before openly acknowledging his sexuality. Or, masks can be subtle—for example, the parent who acts calm in front of an injured child so the youngster doesn’t become frightened. Some masks are designed to inflate one’s estimation in the eyes of others. One study found that 90 percent of college students surveyed admitted telling at least one lie to impress a person they were romantically interested in (Rowatt, Cunningham, & Druen, 1998). Other masks are crafted so people underestimate us and our abilities (Gibson & Sachau, 2000).

Regardless of the form our face takes—a genuine representation of our private self, or a mask designed to hide this self from others—Goffman argued that we often form a strong emotional attachment to our face because it represents the person we most want others to see when they communicate with and relate to us.

Sometimes after we’ve created a certain face, information is revealed that contradicts it, causing us to lose face (Goffman, 1955). Losing face provokes feelings of shame, humiliation, and sadness—in a word, embarrassment. However, embarrassment is not the only cost. When others see us lose face, they may begin to question whether the public self with which they’re familiar is a genuine reflection of our private self. For example, suppose your workplace face is “dedicated, hardworking employee.” You ask your boss if there’s extra work to be done, help fellow coworkers, show up early, stay late, and so forth. But if you tell your manager that you need your afternoon schedule cleared to work on an urgent report and then she sees you playing World of Warcraft on your computer, she’ll undoubtedly view your actions as inconsistent with your communication. Your face as the “hardworking employee” will be called into question, as will your credibility.

Because losing face can damage others’ impressions of you, maintaining face during interpersonal interactions is extremely important. How can you effectively maintain face?³ Use words and actions consistent with the face you’re trying to craft. From one moment to the next and from one behavior to the next, your interpersonal communication and behaviors must complement your face, rather than clash with it. Also, make sure your communication and behaviors mesh with the knowledge that others already have about you. If you say or do things that contradict what others know is true about you, they’ll see your face as false.

Finally, for your face to be maintained, your communication and behavior must be reinforced by objects and events in the surrounding environment—things over which you have only limited control. For example, imagine that your romantic partner is overseas for the summer, and you agree to video chat regularly. Your first scheduled chat is Friday at 5 p.m, but when 5 p.m. Friday rolls around, your Internet connection is down. By the time it’s up again, your partner has already signed off, leaving a perplexed message regarding your “neglect.” To restore face, you’ll need to explain what happened.

Of course, all of us fall from grace on occasion, whether it’s getting caught gaming when we should be working, or failing to be available when we’ve promised. In such cases, promptly acknowledge that the event happened, admit responsibility for any of your actions that contributed to the event, apologize for your actions and for disappointing others, and move to maintain your face again. Apologizing is a fairly successful method for reducing people’s negative impressions and anger—especially when such apologies avoid excuses that contradict what people know really happened (Ohbuchi & Sato, 1994). People who deny their inconsistencies or who blame others for their lapses are judged much more harshly than those who admit their mistakes.

³All of the information that follows regarding how to successfully maintain face is adapted from Goffman (1955).