Competently Disclosing Your Self
Based on all we know about self-disclosure, how can you improve your disclosure skills? Consider these recommendations for competent self-disclosure:
Ted and Robin of How I Met Your Mother sometimes experience discomfort and distance in their relationship due to conflicting ideas of self-disclosure.
CLIFF LIPSON/CBS/Landov
- Follow the advice of Apollo: know your self. Before disclosing, make sure that the aspects of your self you reveal to others are aspects that you want to reveal and that you feel certain about. This is especially important when disclosing intimate feelings, such as romantic interest. When you disclose feelings about others directly to them, you affect their lives and relationship decisions. Consequently, you’re ethically obligated to be certain about the truth of your own feelings before sharing them with others.
- Know your audience. Whether it’s a wall post or an intimate conversation with a friend, think carefully about how others will perceive your disclosure and how it will impact their thoughts and feelings about you. If you’re unsure of the appropriateness of a disclosure, don’t disclose. This holds equally true for online and face-to-face encounters.
- Don’t force others to self-disclose. We often presume it’s good for people to “open up” and share their secrets, particularly those that are troubling them. Although it’s perfectly appropriate to let someone know you’re available to listen, it’s unethical and destructive to force or cajole others into sharing information against their will. People have reasons for not wanting to tell you things—just as you have reasons for protecting your own privacy.
- Don’t presume gender preferences. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that because someone is a woman, she will disclose freely; or that because he’s a man, he’s incapable of discussing his feelings. At the same time, be mindful of the tendency to feel more comfortable disclosing to women. Don’t presume that because you’re talking with a woman it’s appropriate for you to freely disclose.
- Be sensitive to cultural differences. When interacting with people from different backgrounds, disclose gradually. As with gender, don’t presume disclosure patterns based on ethnicity. Just because someone is Asian doesn’t mean he or she will be comparatively more reluctant to disclose than someone of European descent.
- Go slowly. Share intermediate and central aspects of your self gradually and only after thorough discussion of peripheral information. Moving too quickly to discussion of your deepest fears, self-esteem concerns, and personal values not only increases your sense of vulnerability, but it may make others uncomfortable enough to avoid you.
LearningCurve
Chapter 2
Postscript
Look again at the painting labeled. Note that this work of art isn’t simply a portrait of the pain and isolation felt by one artist suffering from dyslexia. It embraces all of us. We’ve all had fingers pointed and names hurled at us.
What metaphorical fingers point at you? Are some of those fingers your own? What names go with them? How do these shape the ways in which you communicate with others and make choices in your relationships?
This chapter began with a self-portrait of suffering—an artist stigmatized in youth by labels. But we can all draw inspiration from Eric Staib’s story. Each of us possesses the uniquely human capacity to turn our personal punishments into profound gifts, just as Eric did.