When we experience empathy , we “feel into” others’ thoughts and emotions, making an attempt to understand their perspectives and be aware of their feelings in order to identify with them (Kuhn, 2001). Empathy is one of our most valuable tools for communicating competently with others (Campbell & Babrow, 2004).

Empathy consists of two components. The first is perspective-taking—the ability to see things from someone else’s vantage point without necessarily experiencing that person’s emotions (Duan & Hill, 1996). The second is empathic concern—becoming aware of how the other person is feeling, experiencing a sense of compassion regarding the other person’s emotional state, and perhaps even experiencing some of his or her emotions (Stiff, Dillard, Somera, Kim, & Sleight, 1988).

But experiencing empathy isn’t sufficient in itself to improve your interpersonal communication and relationships. You also must convey your empathy to others. To competently communicate the perspective-taking part of empathy, let others know that you’re genuinely interested in hearing their viewpoints (“I’d love to get your impression”), and tell them that you think their views are important and understandable (“Seeing it from your side makes a lot of sense”). To communicate empathic concern, disclose to others that you care about them and their feelings (“I hope you’re doing OK”). Share with them your own emotions regarding their situation (“I feel terrible that you’re going through this”).

Importantly, avoid using “I know” messages (“I know just how you feel” or “I know just what you’re going through”). Even if you make such comments with kind intentions, others will likely view you as presumptuous and perhaps even patronizing, especially if they suspect that you don’t or can’t feel as they do. For example, when people suffer a great loss—such as the death of a loved one—many don’t believe that anyone else could feel the depth of anguish they’re experiencing. Saying “I know how you feel” isn’t helpful under these conditions.