Narcissistic Listening
In Greek mythology, the beautiful nymph Echo falls in love with Narcissus immediately upon seeing him (Bulfinch, 1985). But when she approaches and moves to throw her arms around him, he recoils, telling her that he would rather die than be with her. Heartbroken, Echo flees to the mountains and plots her revenge. She casts a spell on Narcissus, making him fall in love with his own reflected image in a pool. Upon seeing the enchanted image, Narcissus can’t tear himself away. He abandons all thought of food and rest and gazes, entranced, at himself—until he finally dies of starvation.
The ability to listen begins to develop well before we are born and serves us throughout our lives.
(Left to right) Bernd Opitz/Getty Images; © Lucidio Studio Inc./Corbis; Somos/Punchstock/Getty Images
Like its namesake in Greek mythology, narcissistic listening 
is self-absorbed listening: the perpetrator ignores what others have to say and redirects the conversation to him- or herself and his or her own interests. People who engage in narcissistic listening provide positive feedback as long as they are the center of conversational attention, but the moment the topic switches to something other than them, they give negative feedback. In some cases, the negative feedback may be extreme—narcissistic listeners may pout, whine, or even throw tantrums when the conversation switches away from them and onto the other person (Bushman & Baumeister, 1998). To avoid narcissistic listening, allow the conversation to focus on topics other than you and your own interests and offer positive feedback when such topics are discussed.
LearningCurve
Chapter 6
Postscript
We began this chapter with the story of a man who dedicated his life to active listening. Fred Rogers brought his ministerial values of compassion and kindness to the small screen, and through television he touched the lives of millions of children. In addition to establishing the longest-running show in history, he created a safe space in which children felt simultaneously entertained, educated, and affirmed by an adult who genuinely listened to them.
How do you use listening in your life? What values underlie your listening? Do you create metaphorical “neighborhoods” through your listening—places in which people feel welcomed and valued? Or, as Eddie Murphy once quipped, do you create places where whenever you “move in, everyone else moves away”?
The PBS soundstage Fred Rogers once strolled through lies abandoned now, just as his famous cardigan hangs empty in a Smithsonian display case. He’ll never again “be back when the day is new.” Yet the values he espoused will endure as long as people actively, compassionately, and respectfully listen to one another.