The tendency to attack others’ self-concepts rather than their positions on topics of conversation is known as verbal aggression (Infante & Wigley, 1986). Verbally aggressive people denigrate others’ character, abilities, or physical appearance rather than constructively discussing different points of view. Verbal aggression can be expressed not only through speech but also through behaviors, such as physically mocking another’s appearance or displaying rude gestures (Sabourin, Infante, & Rudd, 1993).

Why are some people verbally aggressive? At times, such aggression stems from a temporary mental state. Most of us have found ourselves in situations at one time or another where various factors—stress, exhaustion, frustration or anger, relationship difficulties—converge. As a result, we “lose our heads” and spontaneously “go off” on another person. Some people who are verbally aggressive suffer from chronic hostility (see Chapter 4). Others are frequently aggressive because it helps them achieve short-term interpersonal goals (Infante & Wigley, 1986). For example, people who want to cut in front of you in line, win an argument, or steal your parking spot may believe that they stand a better chance of achieving these objectives if they use insults, profanity, and threats. Unfortunately, their past experiences may bolster this belief because many people give in to verbal aggression, which encourages the aggressor to use the technique again.

If you find yourself consistently communicating in a verbally aggressive fashion, identify and address the root causes behind your aggression. Has external stress (job pressure, a troubled relationship, a family conflict) triggered your aggression? Do you suffer from chronic hostility? If you find that anger management strategies don’t help you reduce your aggression, seek professional assistance.

Communicating with others who are verbally aggressive is also a daunting challenge. Dominic Infante (1995), a leading aggression researcher, offers three tips. First, avoid communication behaviors such as teasing, baiting, or insulting that may trigger verbal aggression in others. Second, if you know someone who is chronically verbally aggressive, avoid or minimize contact with that person. For better or worse, the most practical solution for dealing with such individuals is to not interact with them at all. Third, if you can’t avoid interacting with a verbally aggressive person, remain polite and respectful during your encounters with him or her. Allow the individual to speak without interruption. Stay calm, and express empathy (when possible). Avoid retaliating with personal attacks of your own; they will only further escalate the aggression. Finally, end interactions when someone becomes aggressive, explaining gently but firmly, “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable continuing this conversation.”