Summary

• Conflict occurs when people perceive incompatible goals or actions. Perceptual errors shape how conflict unfolds; self-enhancing errors may create unsatisfying outcomes.
• Conflict involves clashes in goals or behaviors.
• Conflict is a process that unfolds over time and is determined by the communication choices we make.
• Conflict is ever-changing and unpredictable, making it challenging to manage.
  • When a conflict shifts topic, it can devolve into kitchen-sinking, wherein combatants hurl insults and accusations at each other that have little to do with the original disagreement.
• Most conflict occurs between people who know each other and are involved in close relationships. Conflicts in close relationships typically arise from one of three issues: (1) irritating partner behaviors, (2) disagreements regarding relationship rules, and (3) personality clashes.

• The defining characteristics of power are:
  • Power is always present, and may be balanced (in a symmetrical relationship) or imbalanced (in a complementary relationship). Dyadic Power Theory states that people with only moderate power are most likely to use controlling communication.
  • Power can be used ethically or unethically.—Power itself is neither good nor bad.
  • Power is granted. It does not reside within people, but rather is given to another person or group who exerts control or influence.
  • Power influences most conflicts, because conflicts are struggles between people over whose goals will prevail.
• A power currency is a resource that other people value. Five power currencies are common in interpersonal relationships:
  • Resource currency: material things such as money, property, and food
  • Expertise currency: special skills or knowledge
  • Social network currency: a network of friends, family, and acquaintances with substantial influence
  • Personal currency: personal characteristics that people admire and/or enjoy, such as beauty and intelligence
  • Intimacy currency: a close bond with someone that no one else shares
• Views of power differ across cultures.
  • People are granted power not only according to which power currencies they possess, but also by the degree to which those power currencies are valued in a given culture.

• People generally handle conflict in one of five ways:
  • Avoidance involves ignoring the situation; common forms of avoidance include skirting (changing the topic or joking about the conflict) and sniping (derailing the conflict with an insult and physical departure from the exchange).
    • Avoidance can lead to cumulative annoyance, in which repressed irritation grows as the mental list of grievances we have against our partner builds.
    • Avoidance can also lead to pseudo-conflict, the perception that a conflict exists when in fact it doesn’t.
  • Accommodation occurs when one person abandons her or his own goals and acquiesces to the desires of the other person.
  • Competition involves an open and clear discussion of the goal clash that exists, coupled with the pursuit of one’s own goals without regard for others’ goals.
    • Competition often triggers defensive communication, and the primary risk of competition is escalation—a dramatic rise in emotional intensity and increasing negative and aggressive competition.
  • Reactivity refers to not pursuing any conflict-related goals at all, but instead communicating in an emotionally explosive and negative fashion.
  • Collaboration is a mutual problem-solving approach. To collaborate: (1) attack problems not people; (2) focus on common interests and long-term goals; (3) create options before arriving at decisions; and (4) critically evaluate your solution.
• Traditional gender socialization creates challenges for men and women as they seek to constructively resolve conflicts.
  • Women are encouraged to avoid conflict and sacrifice goals, whereas men learn to use competition or even violence.
  • To compensate for socialization, encourage collaboration when engaged in conflict with either women or men, and avoid behaviors that escalate conflict.
• The strongest cultural factor that influences your conflict approach is whether you belong to an individualistic or a collectivistic culture.
  • People from collectivist cultures view direct messages about conflict as attacks and tend to use avoidance or accommodation.
  • People from individualistic cultures feel comfortable discussing conflict openly, and tend to compete, react, or collaborate.
  • It is important to adjust your conflict management style based on the culture of the person with whom you are in conflict to achieve a successful resolution.
  • If you’re an individualist in conflict with a collectivist:
    • Recognize that collectivists may appreciate third-party mediation.
    • Use less direct verbal messages (e.g., “maybe,” “possibly,” etc.).
    • Let go of the situation if the other person does not see a conflict.
  • If you’re a collectivist in conflict with an individualist:
    • Recognize that individualists often separate conflicts from people.
    • Use an assertive style and be direct.
    • Manage conflicts when they arise.
• While it is common to use such mediated channels as text-messaging to handle conflict, such channels are not always the best means for achieving conflict resolution because during online communication people are less aware of the consequences of their communication choices.
  • It is best to take the conflict offline, if possible.
  • If the conflict must be handled online, try these suggestions: (1) wait and reread, (2) assume the best and watch out for the worst, (3) seek outside counsel, (4) weigh your options carefully, and (5) communicate competently.

• Short-term conflict resolutions include:
  • Separation: the sudden withdrawal of one person from the encounter
  • Domination: when one person gets her or his way by influencing the other to engage in accommodation and abandon goals. Conflicts that end with domination are often called win-lose solutions, and the strongest predictor of domination is the power balance in the relationship
  • Compromise: when both sides change their goals to make them compatible. Compromise usually results from collaboration
  • Integrative agreements: when both sides preserve and attain their goals by developing a creative solution to the problem. Integrative agreements are also called win-win solutions
  • Structural improvements: changing basic rules that govern a relationship in order to forestall conflict
• Long-term conflict outcomes become apparent after short-term conflict outcomes have been determined.
  • Certain approaches for dealing with conflict, including avoidance and collaboration, strongly predict relationship quality.
  • The most common approach is avoidance, avoidance leads to tension.
  • Reactivity results in dissatisfaction.
  • Collaborative approaches result in higher relationship satisfaction.
  • Both accommodation and competition are risky because you can’t count on either as a constructive means of long-term conflict management.

• Self-enhancing thoughts, which occur when an individual selectively remembers information that supports the individual and contradicts the individual’s partners
  • Self-enhancing thoughts dominate conflict encounters.
  • To improve your conflict-management skills, routinely practice critical self-reflection during disputes.
• Destructive messages, which include unplanned, unforgiveable statements
  • Sudden-death statements occur when people get so angry that they suddenly declare the end of the relationship, even though that wasn’t a possibility before the conflict.
  • Dirty secrets are statements that are honest in content but have been kept hidden to protect a partner’s feelings.
  • Destructive messages can destroy relationships.
• Serial arguments, which are a series of unresolved disputes, all having to do with the same issues. They typically stem from deep disagreements, such as differing relationship expectations or clashes in values and beliefs.
  • Some serial arguments take the form of demand-withdraw patterns, in which one partner in a relationship demands that his or her goals be met, and the other partner responds by withdrawing from the encounter.
  • To end the cycle of a demand-withdraw pattern, partners should try using collaboration.
• Physical violence, the most destructive conflict challenge, which may occur if people see no other way to resolve a conflict
  • Physical violence in close relationships can lead to the chilling effect, whereby individuals stop discussing relationship issues out of fear of their partners’ negative reactions.
  • If you find yourself in a relationship that includes physical violence, seek help from family members, friends, and possibly law-enforcement officials. Concurrently, if you feel inclined toward committing violence, practice anger management and/or consider professional counseling.
• In unsolvable disputes, choices include avoiding the conflict, hoping your attitudes or goals will change over time, or abandoning the relationship.