accommodation: A way of handling conflict in which one person abandons his or her goals for the goals of another. For example, Louis gives in to Martel over where they should park their cars: “You can have the driveway. I’m tired of arguing about it.”
avoidance: A way of handling conflict by ignoring it, pretending it isn’t really happening, or communicating indirectly about the situation. For example, Martel hides behind the newspaper as Louis shouts, “Your car is blocking mine again. How many times do I have to ask you to park it to the side?” See also skirting; sniping.
chilling effect: An outcome of physical violence in which individuals stop discussing relationship issues out of fear of their partners’ negative reactions.
collaboration: A way of handling conflict by treating it as a mutual problem-solving challenge. For example, housemates Jesus and Zhiang settle an argument about household chores by posting a schedule that lists responsibilities.
competition: A way of handling conflict in which the goal clash is discussed clearly and openly, and in which each person pursues his or her own goals without regard for the goals of others. For example, Teddy tells his coworker Elaine that he intends to secure the coveted promotion that Elaine is also pursuing.
complementary relationships: Relationships characterized by an unequal balance of power, such as a marriage in which one spouse is the decision maker.
compromise: The result that occurs when parties involved in a conflict change their goals to make them compatible. For example, Matt wants to watch a sci-fi movie and Jane wants to watch an animated film; they meet in the middle by finding an animated sci-fi feature to watch.
conflict: The process that occurs when people perceive that they have incompatible goals or that someone is interfering in their ability to achieve their objectives.
cumulative annoyance: A buildup of repressed irritations that grows as the mental list of grievances we have against someone grows. For example, office manager Jane becomes more and more annoyed every time she sees that custodian Marcus has failed to change a light bulb that burned out a week ago.
demand-withdraw pattern: A way of handling conflict in which one partner in a relationship demands that his or her goals be met, and the other partner responds by withdrawing from the encounter.
dirty secrets: Truthful but destructive messages used deliberately to hurt someone during a conflict. For example, Judith tells her sister, “That boy you like—Craig? I heard him tell Elaine you laugh like a horse.”
domination: The result that occurs when one person gets his or her way in a conflict by influencing the other to engage in accommodation and abandon his or her goals. For example, when teenager Amed and his little brother Aziz disagree about who gets to ride in the front seat of the car with their father, Amed jumps into the front seat before Aziz can get there.
Dyadic Power Theory: The idea that people with only moderate power are most likely to use controlling communication.
escalation: A dramatic rise in emotional intensity and increasingly negative communication during conflict, such as teasing that inflates to a heated exchange of insults.
expertise currency: Power that comes from possessing specialized skills or knowledge, such as knowing CPR. See also intimacy currency, personal currency, power currency, resource currency, social network currency.
integrative agreements: The result that occurs when parties involved in a conflict preserve and attain their goals by developing a creative solution to their problem. For example, because partners Hermes and Pierre can’t decide what sort of live music they want to hear on a given evening, they opt to visit a comedy club instead.
intimacy currency: Power that comes from sharing a close bond with someone that no else shares. For example, your best friend will loan you books even though she usually dislikes loaning books to people. See also expertise currency, personal currency, power currency, resource currency, social network currency.
kitchen-sinking: A response to a conflict in which combatants hurl insults and accusations at each other that have very little to do with the original disagreement. For example, although Mary and Pat are arguing about the budget, Mary adds, “I’m sick of the mess you left in the garage and these papers all over the family room.”
personal currency: Power that comes from personal characteristics that others admire, such as intelligence, physical beauty, charm, communication skill, or humor. See also expertise currency, intimacy currency, power currency, resource currency, social network currency.
power: (181) The ability to influence or control events and people.
power currency: Control over a resource that other people value. See also expertise currency, intimacy currency, personal currency, resource currency, social network currency.
pseudo-conflict: A mistaken perception that a conflict exists when it doesn’t. For example, Barbara thinks Anne is angry with her because Anne hasn’t spoken to her all evening, but Anne is actually worried about a report from her physician.
reactivity: A way of handling conflict by not pursuing conflict-related goals at all and communicating in an emotionally explosive and negative fashion instead.
resource currency: Power that comes from controlling material items others want or need, such as money, food, or property. See also expertise currency, intimacy currency, personal currency, power currency, social network currency.
separation: A sudden withdrawal of one person from a situation during a conflict. For example, you walk away from an argument to cool off, or you angrily retreat to your room.
serial arguments: A series of unresolved disputes, all having to do with the same issue. For example, husband and wife Brian and Marilyn quarrel repeatedly over whether Marilyn’s mother is benevolent or manipulative.
skirting: A means of avoiding conflict by changing the topic or joking about the conflict. For example, when Andrea’s balding father, Jimmy, chides Andrea for dyeing her hair blue, Andrea teases, “You’re just jealous that I still have hair.”
sniping: A way of avoiding conflict by communicating in a negative fashion and then abandoning the encounter by physically leaving the scene or refusing to interact further. For example, when Shruti’s brother says he wants to talk about her excessive drinking, she says, “When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it,” before storming out of the room.
social network currency: Power that comes from being linked with a network of friends, family, and acquaintances with substantial influence, such as being on a first-name basis with a famous athlete. See also expertise currency, intimacy currency, personal currency, power currency, resource currency.
structural improvements: When people agree to change the basic rules or understandings that govern their relationship to prevent further conflict.
sudden-death statements: Messages communicated at the height of a conflict, that suddenly declare the end of a relationship, even if that wasn’t an option before. For example, “It’s over. I never want to see you again.”
symmetrical relationships: Relationships characterized by an equal balance of power, such as a business partnership in which the partners co-own their company.