Because conflict typically unfolds over a series of exchanged messages, it is ever-changing and unpredictable. Research looking at the dynamic nature of conflict finds that in 66.4 percent of disputes, the focus shifts substantially as the conflict progresses (Keck & Samp, 2007). A fight over your father’s snide remark regarding your job quickly becomes a battle about his chronic disapproval of you. When a conflict shifts topic, it can devolve into kitchen-sinking (from the expression, “throwing everything at them but the kitchen sink”), in which combatants hurl insults and accusations at each other that have little to do with the original disagreement. For example, a couple fighting over whether one of them was flirting with their server at dinner may say things like: “What about when you completely forgot our anniversary?!” and “Oh yeah?! Well, your family sucks!”

Since conflict often dynamically branches out into other troublesome topics, you can never fully anticipate the twists and turns that will occur. But remember: you have total control over what you say and do—and that can influence how someone responds. If you think a conflict is getting completely off track, choose your communication carefully to help bring it back on topic.