One way to handle conflict is avoidance: ignoring the conflict, pretending it isn’t really happening, or communicating indirectly about the situation. One common form of avoidance is skirting, in which a person avoids a conflict by changing the topic or joking about it. You think your lover is having an affair and raise the issue, but he or she just laughs and says (in a Southern accent), “Don’t you know we’ll always be together, like Noah and Allie from The Notebook?” Another form of avoidance is sniping —communicating in a negative fashion and then abandoning the encounter by physically leaving the scene or refusing to interact further. You’re fighting with your brother through Skype, when he pops off a nasty comment (“I see you’re still a spoiled brat!”) and signs off before you have a chance to reply.

Avoidance is the most frequently used approach to handling conflict (Sillars, 1980). People opt for avoidance because it seems easier, less emotionally draining, and lower risk than direct confrontation (Afifi & Olson, 2005). But avoidance poses substantial risks (Afifi et al., 2009). One of the biggest is cumulative annoyance, in which repressed irritation grows as the mental list of grievances we have against our partners builds (Peterson, 2002). Eventually, cumulative annoyance overwhelms our capacity to suppress it and we suddenly explode in anger. For example, you constantly remind your teenage son about his homework, chores, personal hygiene, and room cleanliness. This bothers you immensely because you feel these matters are his responsibility, but you swallow your anger because you don’t want to make a fuss or be seen by him as “nagging.” One evening, after reminding him twice to hang up his expensive new leather jacket, you walk into his bedroom to find the coat crumpled in a ball on the floor. You go on a tirade, listing all of the things he has done to upset you in the past month.

A second risk posed by avoidance is pseudo-conflict, the perception that a conflict exists when in fact it doesn’t. For example, you mistakenly think your romantic partner is about to break up with you because you see tagged photos of him or her arm in arm with someone else on Facebook. So you decide to preemptively end your relationship even though your partner actually has no desire to leave you (the photos were of your partner and a cousin).

Despite the risks, avoidance can be a wise choice for managing conflict in situations where emotions run high (Berscheid, 2002). If everyone involved is angry, and yet you choose to continue the interaction, you run the risk of saying things that will damage your relationship. It may be better to avoid through leaving, hanging up, or not responding to texts or messages until tempers have cooled.