The most constructive approach to managing conflict is collaboration: treating conflict as a mutual problem-solving challenge. Often the result of using a collaborative approach is compromise, where everyone involved modifies their individual goals to come up with a solution to the conflict. (We’ll discuss compromise more.) You’re most likely to use collaboration when you respect the other person and are concerned about his or her desires as well as your own (Keck & Samp, 2007; Zacchilli et al., 2009). People who regularly use collaboration feel more trust, commitment, and overall satisfaction with their relationships than those who don’t (Smith, Heaven, & Ciarrochi, 2008). Whenever possible, opt for collaboration.

To use a collaborative approach, try these suggestions from Wilmot and Hocker (2010). First, attack problems, not people. Talk about the conflict as something separate from the people involved, saying, for instance, “This issue has really come between us.” This frames the conflict as the source of trouble and unites the people trying to handle it. At the same time, avoid personal attacks while being courteous and respectful, regardless of how angry you may be. This is perhaps the hardest part of collaboration because you likely will be angry during conflicts (Berscheid, 2002). Just don’t let your anger cause you to say and do things you shouldn’t. If someone attacks you and not the problem, don’t get sucked into trading insults. Simply say, “I can see you’re very upset; let’s talk about this when we’ve both had a chance to cool off,” and end the encounter before things escalate further.

Second, focus on common interests and long-term goals. Keep the emphasis on the desires you share in common, not the issue that’s driving you apart. Use “we” language (see Chapter 8) to bolster this impression: “I know we both want what’s best for the company.” Arguing over positions (“I want this!” versus “I want that!”) endangers relationships because the conflict quickly becomes a destructive contest of wills.

Third, create options before arriving at decisions. Be willing to negotiate a solution, rather than insist on one. Start by asking questions that will elicit options: “How do you think we can best resolve this?” Then propose ideas of your own. Be flexible. Most collaborative solutions involve some form of compromise, so be willing to adapt your original desires, even if it means not getting everything you want. Then combine the best parts of the various suggestions to come up with an agreeable solution. Don’t get bogged down searching for a “perfect” solution—it may not exist.

Finally, critically evaluate your solution. Ask for an assessment: “Is this equally fair for both of us?” The critical issue is livability: Can everyone live with the resolution in the long run? Or, is it so unfair or short of original desires that resentments are likely to emerge? If anyone can answer “yes” to the latter question, go back to creating options (step 3) until you find a solution that is satisfactory to everyone.

Table 9.1 Competitive versus Collaborative Conflict Approaches