Think back to the chapter opener when Amy Chua had a fight with Lulu in a restaurant. They both were so irate that they said horrible and unforgivable things to one another. When conflicts escalate and anger peaks, our minds are filled with negative thoughts of all the grievances and resentments we feel toward others (Sillars et al., 2000). These thoughts often leap out of our mouths, in the form of messages that permanently damage our relationships (McCornack & Husband, 1986).

Sudden-death statements occur when people get so angry that they suddenly declare the end of the relationship, even though that wasn’t a possibility before the conflict. When my wife Kelly and I had been married for two years, we had a major argument while visiting her parents. A small dispute over family differences quickly escalated into a full-blown conflict. After flinging a number of kitchen-sink messages at each other, we both shouted, “Why are we even together?! We’re so different!” Fortunately, this sudden-death statement caused us to calm down. But many couples who blurt out such things during escalation follow through on them.

Perhaps the most destructive messages are dirty secrets: statements that are honest in content but have been kept hidden to protect a partner’s feelings. Dirty secrets can include acts of infidelity (“I cheated, and it was great!”), intense criticism of a partner’s appearance (“You know how I’ve always said I like your nose? Well, I hate it!”), and even a lack of feelings (“I haven’t been in love with you for years!”). Dirty secrets are designed to hurt, and because the content is true, they can irreparably damage the recipient and the relationship.

Needless to say, destructive messages can destroy relationships. Couples who exchange critical and contemptuous messages during the first seven years of marriage are substantially more likely to divorce than couples who refrain from such negativity (Gottman & Levenson, 2000). Thus, no matter your level of anger, or the caustic thoughts that fill your head, it’s essential to always communicate toward your partner in a civil, respectful fashion.