The most destructive conflict challenge is physical violence, a strategy to which people may resort if they cannot think of a better way to deal with conflict or if they believe no other options are available (Klein, 1998). In the National Violence Against Women Survey (Tjaden & Thoennes, 2000), 52 percent of women and 66 percent of men reported that at some time in their lives they had been physically assaulted during conflicts. Both men and women use violence as a strategy for dealing with conflicts. However, women are substantially more likely to be injured or killed, owing to their lesser physical size and strength (Archer, 2000; O’Leary & Vivian, 1990). Physical violence doesn’t restrict itself to heterosexual relationships; nearly 50 percent of lesbian and 30 to 40 percent of gay respondents have been victims of violence during interpersonal conflicts at some time in their lives (Peplau & Spalding, 2000).

One outcome of physical violence in close relationships is the chilling effect, whereby individuals stop discussing relationship issues out of fear of their partners’ negative reactions (Solomon & Samp, 1998). In these relationships, individuals who are “chilled” constrain their communication and actions to a very narrow margin, avoiding all topics and behaviors they believe may provoke a partner (Afifi et al., 2009). The result is an overarching relationship climate of fear, suppression, anxiety, and unhappiness.

If you find yourself in a relationship in which your partner behaves violently toward you, seek help from family members, friends, and, if necessary, law enforcement officials. Realize that your best option might be to end the relationship and avoid all contact with the person. We discuss tactics for dealing with relational violence in more detail in Chapter 10.

If you find that you are inclined to violence in relationships, revisit the anger management techniques described in Chapter 4 as well as the suggestions for constructively handling conflict described previously. Most aggression during conflicts stems from people’s perception that they have no other options. Although situations may exist where there truly are no other options—for example, self-defense during a violent assault or robbery—within most encounters more constructive alternatives are available. If you are unable to control your impulses toward violence, seek professional counseling.