Chapter 3: Verbal Communication

Gender and Language

Gendered language often affects mixed-sex small group settings. Women are typically encouraged to build rapport, using affectionate language to keep the peace and share power (Chapters 3 and 9). Men are rewarded for taking charge of a group and using direct, action-oriented language. Competent communicators must be aware of these differences in style and must promote group communication that encourages all members to share and challenge ideas in order to achieve group goals.

Cultural factors deeply affect our thinking and perception of gender roles, which are often inscribed with “different languages” for the masculine and the feminine (Gudykunst & Ting-Toomey, 1988). The idea that men and women speak entirely different languages is popular fodder for comedy, talk shows, and pop psychologists, so let’s identify what actual differences have contributed to that view.

Women primarily see conversations as negotiations for closeness and connection with others, whereas men experience talk more as a struggle for control, independence, and hierarchy (Tannen, 1992). But either may use powerful, controlling language to define limits, authority, and relationships and less controlling language to express affection. Let’s look at a few examples.

Interruptions. Male speakers are thought to interrupt others in conversation more than female speakers, but the situation and the status of the speakers are better predictors than biological sex (Pearson, Turner, & Todd-Mancillas, 1991). For example, female professors can be expected to interrupt male students more often than those male students interrupt female professors, owing to the difference in power and status. But when status and situation are neutral, men tend to interrupt women considerably more often than women interrupt men (Ivy & Backlund, 2004).
Intensifiers. Women’s speech patterns, compared with men’s, contain more words that heighten or intensify topics: (“so excited,” “very happy”) (Yaguchi, Iyeiri, & Baba, 2010). Consider the intensity level of “I’m upset” versus “I’m really upset.”
Qualifiers, hedges, and disclaimers. Language that sounds hesitant is perceived as being less powerful (often associated with women’s speech). Qualifiers include terms like kind of, sort of, maybe, and possibly. Hedges are expressions such as “I think,” “I feel,” or “I guess.” Disclaimers discount what you are about to say and can head off confrontation or avoid embarrassment: “I’m likely imagining things, but I thought I saw . . .” (Palomares, 2009).
Tag questions. Another sign of hesitancy or uncertainty associated with feminine speech is the tag question, as in “That waitress was obnoxious, wasn’t she?” Tag questions attempt to get your conversational partner to agree with you, establishing a connection based on similar opinions. They can also come across as threats (Ivy & Backlund, 2004); for example, “You’re not going to smoke another cigarette, are you?”
Resistance messages. Differences in the way men and women express resistance can have serious consequences. Specifically, date rape awareness programs advise women to use the word no when a male partner or friend makes an unwanted sexual advance. But a woman might instead say, “I don’t have protection,” choosing vague or evasive language over the direct no to avoid a scene. Men, however, sometimes perceive an indirect denial as a yes. Women’s use of clear messages, coupled with men’s increased understanding of women’s preference for more indirect resistance messages, can lead to more competent communication in this crucial area (Lim & Roloff, 1999; Motley & Reeder, 1995).

In summary, research has corroborated some differences in communication style due to sex (Kiesling, 1998), but many of those differences pale when we consider gender (the cultural meaning of sex), context, role, and task (Ewald, 2010; Mulac, Wiemann, Widenmann, & Gibson, 1988; Newman, Groom, Handelman, & Pennebaker, 2008). Relatedly, studying language from a sex-difference approach can be misleading, because it treats women (and men) as a homogenous “global category,” paying little attention to differences in ethnicity, religion, sexuality, and economic status (Crawford, 1995). In fact, recent studies focus on how we present our different “faces” in interaction (Tannen, 2009, 2010) and how language choices are more about negotiating influence (power, hierarchy), solidarity (connection, intimacy), value formation, and identity rather than about sex (Tannen, Kendall, & Gorgon, 2007). Decades of research find that we are less bound by our sex than we are by the language choices we make. Thus, regardless of whether we are male or female, we can choose to use language that gives us more influence or creates more connection—or both.

AND YOU?

Question

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