In many Western societies, people tend to think that talking is powerful, so not talking must be weak. By not valuing the power of listening, we neglect it. Michael listens to his wife only to plan what he’s going to say next; he’s not interested in what his wife has to say, only in making her listen to him. Katrina thinks she already knows what others will say; when her sister is speaking to her, she nods quickly and says, “Yeah, yeah, I know.” If Michael and Katrina remembered that listening actually empowers us, they would be more effective communicators.

Listening well doesn’t simply mean to stop talking. You have to adjust your speaking-to-listening ratio (talk less and listen more). If a desire to dominate a conversation creeps up on you, remind yourself that through the act of listening, you empower your communication partners to reveal their thoughts, insights, fears, values, and beliefs (Fletcher, 1999). Equally important, you free yourself to comprehend multiple concepts and make more connections between ideas (Dipper, Black, & Bryan, 2005). In the long run, you may even exert more influence in your relationships because, as people come to think you understand and relate to them, they will give you more influence.