Self-absorbed listeners hear only the information that they find useful for achieving their own specific goals. For example, your colleague Lucia may seem really engaged in your discussion about some negative interactions you’ve had with Ryan, your boyfriend. But if she’s only listening because she’s interested in Ryan and wants to get a sense of your relationship’s vulnerability, then she’s listening with her own self-interests in mind.

Self-absorbed listening can also be monopolistic listening, or listening to control the communication interaction. We’re all guilty of this to some degree—particularly when we’re engaged in conflict situations. Suppose your grades declined last semester. Your father says, “I really think you need to focus more on school. I’m not sure I want to shell out more money for tuition next semester if your grades get worse.” You may not take his advice seriously if all you’re doing while he’s talking is plotting a response that will persuade him to pay next semester’s tuition.

Self-absorbed listeners sometimes hurt others by the way they listen. Attacking is a response to someone else’s message with negative evaluations (“That was a stupid thing to say!”). Ambushing is more strategic. An ambusher listens specifically to find weaknesses in others—things they’re sensitive about—and pulls those weaknesses out at strategic or embarrassing times. So if Mai cries to Scott about failing her calculus final and Scott is later looking for a way to discredit Mai, he might say something like, “I’m not sure you’re the right person to help us draw up a budget, Mai. Math isn’t exactly your strong suit, is it?”