Boys Need Best Friends, Too

Among adolescent girls, the formation of close, intimate friendships is almost expected. Teenaged girls giggle through the night at slumber parties, whisper secrets during school, and text each other frequently; they make each other friendship bracelets and wear matching clothes that declare their relationships for all the world to see. But what about the boys?

Research indicates that young boys seek the same kinds of intimate relationships that girls do: they want to share deep secrets with their closest male friends and know that they can trust in and count on them. But according to psychologist Niobe Way, boys’ relationships are less public—and certainly less celebrated in society—than girls’ friendships, primarily because of cultural ideas about what constitutes “masculine” behavior. Way points out that male friendships are often stifled as boys become men, and pressure to conform to gender stereotypes pressures them to adopt the mantle of American maleness: they must be stoic and independent, aggressive and competitive (Way, 2011). “During late adolescence,” Way says, “boys begin to lose their closest male friendships, become more distrustful of their male peers, and in some cases, become less willing to be emotionally expressive. They start sounding, in other words, like gender stereotypes” (Way, 2011). This pattern is not limited to American males—similar patterns can be found in Chinese boys’ relationships (Le, 2011).

Given the importance of friendship to our overall well-being, this gender disparity should be a grave concern. “Many of the boys in our studies spoke about feelings of loneliness and isolation during late adolescence and how they missed their formerly close male friendships,” Way explains. “We heard these patterns of loss and distrust right at the moment in development that the rate of suicide among boys in the United States jumps to become four times the rate of girls” (Way, 2011).