Identical twins Eva and Amelia have always done everything together—from their first breaths of air right on through their college educations. As they grew older, loosening these bonds was a real struggle. Eva remembers bursting into tears at her bridal shower and explaining, “It’s just that I’ve never had a party all to myself before” (see Hazel, Wongprasert, & Ayres, 2006).

In all close personal relationships—family connections, romantic relationships, and friendships—there is a tension between independence (autonomy) and dependence (connection). In other words, we struggle because we want to be our own person while at the same time be fully connected to the other person. This tension can result in hurt feelings. Attempts to express autonomy can be easily misunderstood—children’s attempts to express their own identities are often seen as acts of rebellion, whereas romantic partners risk alienating their loved ones when they pursue certain interests alone. On the other hand, we can be seen as nagging when we try to force connectedness on our relational partners: if we drag our partners off to yoga class or a sporting event in which they have no interest, we’re more likely to alienate them than to bring them closer.

So how might you bridge the gap between autonomy and connectedness? One strategy is to alternate time together and time apart. You might go to yoga with your sister who enjoys it while your romantic partner enjoys a solo evening at home. On Saturdays, however, you and your significant other might try out different local kayaking spots—a shared passion that you engage in together. Or you might manage the tension with the physical space in your home—deciding the décor for the living room together but displaying your comic book memorabilia in your own office hideout.