Every superhero from Batman to Superman to The Question knows about this tension. To become close, individuals must share information with their relational partners. However, by disclosing information, they reveal a part of their private selves that then becomes vulnerable. The tension comes as partners strive to find a balance between sharing information (openness) and desiring to keep some things private (closedness). This can be seen in superhero comics and movies when a character like Bruce Wayne wants to maintain close relationships with various love interests but cannot tell any of them about his secret life as Batman. The tension between Batman’s duty to Gotham City and duty to his loved ones takes a toll on those relationships.

Without the excuses of double lives, most people need to disclose some private information to those with whom they have relationships in order to facilitate a perception of involvement and deep understanding. Even when we take into account cultural differences (see Chapter 5), relational intimacy is consistently advanced by self-disclosure (as we develop more fully later) (Chen & Nakazawa, 2009). But it is not always a good idea to reveal your every thought to your partner. Contrary to the notion that there should be “no secrets between us,” relational dialectics researchers argue that much information might be better left unsaid. The comparison you make in your mind between your current romantic partner and an attractive celebrity is a good example.

Some couples will alternate over time between one or the other ends of the spectrum, such as lots of openness during one phase of their relationship and more closedness at other times. Partners who are willing to try to fulfill each other’s needs for information while still maintaining their own privacy are more likely to manage this dialectical tension with satisfaction (Baxter, 1990).