Chapter 7: Developing and Maintaining Relationships

Reconciliation

Is there any hope for a terminated relationship? Soap operas and sitcoms say so—but it’s true in real life as well. Reconciliation is a repair strategy for rekindling an extinguished relationship. Attempting reconciliation entails a lot of risk—one partner might find that the other partner is not interested, or both partners might find that the problems that pushed them apart remain or have intensified. But research reveals that there are a few tactics that can help the partners mend the relationship (O’Hair & Krayer, 1987; Patterson & O’Hair, 1992):

Spontaneous development: The partners wind up spending more time together. Perhaps a divorced couple is involved in their son’s school or two ex-friends find themselves helping a mutual friend.
Third-party mediation: The partners have a friend or family member mediate the reconciliation.
High affect: The partners resolve to be nice and polite to one another and possibly remind each other of what they found attractive about the other in the first place.
Tacit persistence: One or both partners refuse to give up on the relationship.
Mutual interaction: The partners begin talking more often following the dissolution, perhaps remaining friends after their breakup.
Avoidance: The partners avoid spending time together and begin to miss each other.

If you think about couples in popular culture who have broken up and gotten back together—Penny and Leonard on The Big Bang Theory, for instance—you can clearly see some of these strategies at work.

AND YOU?

Question

Have you ever been able to restore a relationship that you thought was irreparably damaged? Have you ever ended a relationship but secretly believed that you would repair it at some point in the future?

BACK TO

Mary and Justin

At the beginning of this chapter, we met Mary and Justin, a couple struggling to maintain a close and functional family life during Justin’s regular military deployment. Let’s consider how they deal with the strains of time, distance, and uncertainty in light of what we’ve learned in this chapter.

Military spouses often take on the role of single parents, making new rules and routines for interaction with the children when their partners are gone. When the soldier returns, his or her unfamiliarity with these behaviors may strain communication. When Justin is home, he and Mary talk a lot about how they should guide and discipline their sons so that the boys experience consistency—and so that they manage the dialectical tensions of autonomy versus connection.
Depending on what technologies are available (and when), families can talk every day or regularly to keep abreast of one another’s lives. They can engage in activities together, even though they are far apart. Mary and Justin like to choose a book that they read independently and then discuss when they have time together. They also pray together at an agreed-upon time, even though they are not connected physically or electronically. These simple but meaningful activities help them to feel a sense of closeness despite the distance.
Sharing family news—whether big (“Doug made the basketball team”) or small (“Daniel was home from school today with a bit of a cold”)—helps to keep Justin involved in the family’s day-to-day activities. Mary and Justin’s discussions of their daily lives help them to increase feelings of intimacy.
All spouses may sometimes worry about how much to disclose to their partners. For example, Mary worries that if she discloses her exhaustion at dealing with their son’s disrespectful behavior alone, Justin will feel guilty for not being there. However, research shows that healthy self-disclosure between spouses correlates with fewer health problems and higher marital satisfaction (Joseph & Afifi, 2010).