Yours, Mine, and Both of Ours

The sight of a family lighting a menorah alongside their Christmas tree is not all that unfamiliar, of course; nor is the story of one parent who quietly leaves behind his or her own religious faith and allows his or her spouse (and his or her spouse’s family and congregation) to take the spiritual lead. For couples of mixed faith, navigating differences in religion can be fraught with conflict, ranging from inconveniences over holidays to misunderstandings with parents and extended families, to troubling arguments over inconsistent messages or values. And yet, a 2008 Pew study found that nearly four in ten American marriages are between spouses of different religious affiliations (Pew, 2008). How do they navigate these potential conflicts?

Many families simply embrace more than one religion: the same Pew study indicates that almost a quarter of Americans attend religious services of more than one denomination or faith (Pew, 2008). Susan Katz Miller, author of Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family, conducted a survey of parents in interfaith communities, who had enrolled their children in interfaith education programs, and found that for these families, expressing more than one religion had benefits that extended beyond simply resolving conflicting faiths. Interfaith families felt that embracing both religions fostered family unity and gave extended families (especially both sets of grandparents) equal weight. On a more personal level, it prepared children to speak more frankly about their own religious identity and to address outsiders’ questions about a last name or skin color that doesn’t quite align with society’s ideas about religion, ethnicity, and culture. And crucially, Miller points out more than 90 percent of the parents she surveyed chose interfaith communities—sometimes along with memberships in traditional congregations—because they wanted their children to be literate in both religions (Miller, 2013).

For some, the question is not so much a matter of which religion, but how much. The Kellers were both born and raised Roman Catholic, but as adults they are not equally devout—Emma still practices, but husband Bill describes himself as a “collapsed Catholic” who does not believe in God or even in religion. Nonetheless, their children were baptized and will receive the sacraments so important to the Catholic faith. “It’s not something we fight about,” writes Emma. “Accepted or rejected, our religion gives us a common language, some cultural reference points, and a sense of tradition that we are both comfortable with” (Keller, 2009).