Of course, one very practical way for you and your sister to manage the pie conflict is simply to split the last piece. That way you at least both get some pie. Conflict styles that aim to benefit the relationship, to serve mutual rather than individual goals, and to produce solutions that benefit both parties are called cooperative strategies (Zacchilli, Hendrick, & Henrick, 2009).

Splitting the pie is one particular cooperative conflict style called compromising. In a compromise, the goal is to find the “middle ground” between two (often extreme) positions. Each party gains something (half of the pie) but also gives up something (the other half). Compromises can be arrived at through trading, whereby one partner offers something of equal value in return for something he or she wants. For example, separated parents who must navigate joint custody arrangements might strike compromises regarding time spent with their children. The advantage of compromise is that it lets you and the other person quickly resolve or avert a conflict by agreeing on a decision-making method. However, important relationships can suffer if the people involved are always making compromises. That’s because compromising means giving up some of what you want, even though you’re getting a little of something else in return.

To reach a truly win-win solution, in which both parties end up fully satisfied with the outcome, requires the collaborating style. Collaborators are problem solvers who creatively work toward finding ways to meet the goals of both parties. In order to see how this might be achieved, let’s consider an issue more serious than pie, such as this conflict within a family: twenty-year-old Kieran wants to drop out of college to join the Army. His mother is very upset and wants him to continue his education. A number of strategies can help them effectively collaborate.

First, it is important that the discussion focus on issues—remain centered on the matter at hand and steer clear of any personal attacks. If Kieran’s mother boldly declares, “You are irrational and thoughtless. Who drops out of college with only one year left?” she’s getting verbally aggressive and isn’t considering the fact that Kieran may well have very good reasons for his decision. Second, it helps to do some probing—asking questions that help you to identify each other’s specific concerns. If Kieran’s mother asks probing questions (“Why do you want to join the Army now when you’re so close to graduating?”), she’ll get a better understanding of why and how he’s come to this decision. Likewise, Kieran will get a better sense of his mother’s feelings if he asks similar questions of her (“Why is it so important to you that I finish my degree now?”).

Probing helps encourage another important aspect of collaboration—disclosure. Kieran, for example, might note that he is concerned about his career—the job market for college graduates in his major is completely flat, and so he sees the Army as a great employment opportunity. His mother might play the role of devil’s advocate—provide counterpoints and worst-case scenarios—and explain that he’ll still have to pay back all his college loans, and that all that expenditure will have amounted to little if he doesn’t finish. But Kieran’s mother too should be disclosing. She might reveal her own fears (“What if you get hurt or killed?”) as well as the hopes she had built for her son to have a college degree (“I want you to have the chance at success that I never had”).

Finally, collaborating involves shifting the focus from what your positions are (“I want to leave college to join the Army” and “I want you to stay and finish college”) to addressing each other’s underlying needs. Probing and disclosure may reveal that it is not just about a career opportunity for Kieran but also about his desire to serve his country, to do something noble and just with his life, or to fight for an important cause. His mother’s needs may be about her wanting the best life for her son or about keeping him close to her. Once they identify and respect each other’s needs, they can begin to find options and alternative solutions that may address many of them. For example, Kieran’s mother might suggest that he join the Army Reserve instead, which would allow him to serve his country while still finishing school, as well as ensuring a career if he wants to go on active duty after graduation. Kieran might also improve his correspondence skills and keep in regular contact with his mother, whenever feasible, while deployed.

Could collaboration be achieved even in the case of chocolate peanut butter pie? If the pie is not that important, then compromising is probably the easiest cooperative strategy. But if the pie conflict is a reflection of some underlying problems with competition or self-worth between you and your sister, then attempts to address each other’s needs about “feeling special” or “deserving a treat” may lead you to think of some mutually beneficial things you can do for each other that have nothing to do with pie!