Forgiveness

To forgive is an emotional transformation, in which you “let go” and move beyond the conflict or “wrong” that you perceive another has done to you (Waldron & Kelley, 2005). It is not condoning, excusing, or forgetting someone’s transgression but reducing the negative reactions to the transgression and engaging in compassion and kindness toward the other person (Toussaint, Owen, & Cheadle, 2012).

After Annie and Lillian apologize to each other in Bridesmaids, they begin to joke with each other about their past conflicts and history together as friends. They do not hold grudges about the past but instead just move ahead to their friendship in the future. They express that their relationship will change once Lillian gets married but that they will have a new kind of close friendship. Indeed, scholars argue that forgiveness involves a renegotiation of the relationship, including new expectations and rules for future interactions (Guerrero, Andersen, & Afifi, 2013).

In addition to having relational benefits, forgiveness can also have health benefits. Research shows that forgiveness following interpersonal conflict can reduce the stress load on the heart (Lawler et al., 2003). Having a more “forgiving personality” is also associated with improved cardiovascular functioning (Toussaint & Cheadle, 2009), as well as greater overall mental health and physical well-being (see, for example, Toussaint, Owen, & Cheadle, 2012).

Note, however, that requiring an apology or penance from another person before you are willing to forgive may actually have negative consequences. For one thing, the apology may never come and you may be stuck hanging onto the bitterness. For another, withholding forgiveness until your “conditions” are met may be associated with relationship deterioration (Waldron & Kelley, 2005), and possibly even increased health risks (Toussaint, Owen, & Cheadle, 2012), compared to when you forgive because you feel it is the morally “right” thing to do (Cox, Bennett, Tripp, & Aquino, 2012). It appears that being able truly to let go of the hurt is what provides the most optimism for relationship reconciliation.

BACK TO

Bullies and Drama

image Back at the beginning of this chapter, we talked a bit about school bullying, and the somewhat ill-defined line between conflict and bullying behavior. Let’s revisit the topic now that you’ve explored both the good and the bad sides of interpersonal conflict.