You’ve undoubtedly had countless conflicts in your life. But just what is conflict, anyway? Conflict is not simply an argument or a struggle: it’s an interaction between two or more interdependent people who perceive that they have contradictory goals or scarce resources. In other words, there is conflict when I believe that if you get what you want, I cannot have what I want.

Scholars like to distinguish between conflict—which is inevitable and sometimes cannot be resolved—and conflict management, which refers to the way that we engage in conflict and address disagreements with our relational partners. For example, consider Lisa and Steven Bradley, a couple who seemed to have it all: a beautiful home, four expensive cars, designer clothes, dinner out (or ordered in) every night. But they had a secret: Lisa spent lavishly without consulting Steven, and Steven stewed about it without ever confronting Lisa. Like countless Americans today, even the relatively well-off Bradleys were spending more than they earned, essentially living on credit. Though they rarely fought about it, Lisa and Steven were struggling to keep up with their bills and were on the brink of divorce (Greenhouse, 2006; Oprah.com, 2008).

For Lisa and Steven, the conflict was rooted in differing ideas about money, credit, and financial priorities. And they chose to manage their conflict by avoiding discussion and confrontation, which in this case wasn’t particularly helpful. As the Bradleys eventually discovered—and as you’ll see throughout this chapter—conflict can be managed either unproductively or productively. Let’s examine these two approaches to conflict and consider the costs and benefits of each one.