Conflict is a negative interaction between two or more interdependent people who perceive that they have contradictory goals or scarce resources.
Conflict management refers to the way that we engage in conflict and address disagreements with our relational partners.
Unproductive conflict is conflict that is managed poorly and has a negative impact on the individuals and relationships involved.
Productive conflict is conflict that is managed effectively and may have benefits, though it does not always mean there is a successful resolution to the conflict.
Productive conflict fosters healthy debate.
Productive conflict leads to better decision making.
Productive conflict spurs relationship growth.
Ask Yourself:
What does healthy debate look like in a conflict situation?
When might a conflict be productive but have no resolution?
Events or scenarios that cause conflict are known as conflict triggers.
Misunderstandings or errors of perception may trigger conflict.
Incompatible goals between partners may also be a conflict trigger.
Perceptions of unbalanced costs and rewards can occur when you believe that you are putting more into the relationship than you are getting in return (a comparison between relationship costs and rewards).
Provocation is the intentional instigation of conflict and arises when one party demonstrates aggression, a person’s identity feels threatened, fairness is lacking, one person has shown incompetence, or the relationship is threatened in some way.
Ask Yourself:
What words or phrases may act to trigger particular emotions when you engage in conflict?
What is an example of a conflict in school where the trigger was incompatible goals? How did you manage it?
Several specific factors influence how relational partners handle conflict.
Power dynamics affect relationships when there is an imbalance of power between partners.
Attitudes toward conflict can influence how willing individuals are to discuss disagreements and how productively they handle conflict.
Some people take their negative views of conflict to the level of a destructive tendency called taking conflict personally. They feel so threatened by conflict that they take most disagreements as personal insults or assault.
Communication climate, the atmosphere or feelings surrounding how we feel about communication in different relationships, influences how relational partners manage conflict.
Defensive climates occur when the people involved feel threatened. Such climates have an atmosphere of mistrust, suspicion, and apprehension, leading to efforts to control and manipulate others.
Supportive climates involve communicators who are open to one another’s ideas and feelings. Such climates involve neutral descriptions of the conflict situation and allow communicators to develop trust and cooperation toward productive resolutions of problems.
Differences in cultural values, beliefs, and attitudes can lead to conflict, affect how individuals perceive conflict, and direct how conflict is handled.
Individualist cultures emphasize personal needs, rights, and identity over those of the collective or group; collectivistic cultures emphasize group identity and needs above those of the individuals involved.
People rely more on indirect verbal messages and nonverbal communication than on what is actually said in high-context cultures. In low-context cultures, people are expected to be more verbally direct and say what they mean.
Sex and gender may affect conflict management and behaviors, as may age.
The choice of particular communication channels can both cause conflict and influence conflict management.
The relative anonymity of electronic communication has emerged as a new factor that influences conflict.
Trolling refers to the posting of provocative or offensive messages to whole forums or discussion boards in order to elicit from the participants a negative general reaction.
Cyberbullying is multiple abusive attacks on individual targets conducted through electronic channels.
Ask Yourself:
Have you ever found yourself in a conflict that you discovered was based solely on cultural differences with another person? How did you manage it? How would you manage it in the future?
Can you think of ways in which electronic media has influenced the increase of conflict in general?
Individuals have different conflict styles, or sets of goals and strategies used to manage conflict. Three general strategies can be used to manage conflict.
People who do not like conflict often use escapist styles to avoid direct conflict. If they must engage in conflict, they try to resolve it quickly.
When avoiding, you do not express your own needs and goals, even if you have a grievance.
Obliging, also called accommodating or yielding, is another escapist style. When you oblige someone, you give in to what he or she wants, in order to get out of having to engage in the conflict.
Competitive styles promote the objectives of the individual who uses them, rather than the desires of the other person or the relationship.
Engaging openly in competition is direct fighting (also known as dominating or competitive fighting).
Verbal aggressiveness involves attacking the opposing person’s self-concept and belittling the other person’s needs.
Indirect fighting is a passive style of aggression associated with lower relationship commitment in friendships, reduced satisfaction in romantic partnerships, and long-term distress in marriage.
Cooperative styles benefit the relationship, serve mutual rather than individual goals, and strive to produce solutions that benefit both parties.
Splitting the pie is a cooperative conflict style called compromising. In a compromise, the goal is to find the middle ground between two (often extreme) positions.
Another cooperative strategy is the collaborating style. Collaboration is necessary to reach a truly “win-win” solution, in which both parties end up fully satisfied with the outcome. Several strategies can be used to help with collaboration.
Discussion should focus on issues, remain centered on the matter at hand, and steer clear of any personal attacks.
Do some probing and ask questions that can help you identify each other’s specific concerns.
Probing encourages disclosure, another important aspect of collaboration.
Collaborating involves shifting the focus from establishing what your positions are to addressing each other’s underlying needs.
Ask Yourself:
Now that you’re aware of three management strategies, which do you think you lean toward?
Will that change now that you’re informed?
Two key forms of communication can help de-escalate conflict and push relationship partners toward reconciliation.
To apologize is to admit wrongdoing and take responsibility for your role in a conflict. When relational breaches are very serious, only a “complete and heartfelt” apology from the offender offers any hope for the relationship to continue.
To forgive is an emotional transformation in which you “let go” and move beyond the conflict or “wrong” that you perceive another has done to you.
In addition to having relational benefits, forgiveness can also have health benefits, including reduced stress load on the heart, improved cardiovascular functioning, and greater overall mental health and physical well-being.
Requiring an apology or penance from another person before you are willing to forgive may actually have negative consequences.
Ask Yourself:
Think of a conflict you may currently be experiencing with a relational partner. What outcome do you foresee?
Have you ever apologized or offered forgiveness in order to reconcile a relationship? Was the experience emotionally satisfying? Why or why not?