10.4.1 Stepfamily Transition

Transitioning to a stepfamily is a common challenge, given that approximately half of the marriages in the United States and Canada involve a remarriage for one or both partners (Coleman, Ganong, & Fine, 2000). While most people enter into stepfamilies with the best intentions for a new start, not all stepfamily members experience the transition equally. As illustrated by Sam in Life as a House, adolescents tend to have more difficulty transitioning into a stepfamily than preadolescents or young adults. Studies have found that children in stepfamilies have more frequent behavioral problems, turbulent relationships, and lower self-esteem than children in first-marriage families (Golish, 2003).

The majority of stepfamilies confront very similar challenges, including negotiating new family privacy rules, discrepancies in conflict management styles, and building solidarity as a family unit (Golish, 2003). But the most frequent and perplexing challenge is triangulation: loyalty conflicts that arise when a coalition is formed, uniting one family member with another against a third person (Schrodt & Afifi, 2007). Two forms of triangulation are common within stepfamilies: children feeling caught between their custodial and noncustodial parents, and stepparents feeling caught between the children in their stepfamily (Golish, 2003). Family members caught in triangulation feel "torn" between different loyalties. As one daughter described her triangulation between her birth parents, "I would carry things from her, she'd say stuff about him, and he'd do the same and talk about her. It's kind of hard to get both sides of it. So I avoided them for a while . . . I just felt that I was caught in the middle" (Golish, 2003, p. 52).

Given such challenges, how can you help ease the transition to a stepfamily, should you experience it? Try these suggestions:

1. Go slow, but start early. Except for the couple getting married, the relationships between other stepfamily members are involuntary. Yet stepfamily members often feel pressure to immediately become intimate (Ganong, Coleman, Fine, & Martin, 1999). This can cause stress and anxiety, as no one enjoys feeling forced to be close to others. To avoid this, go slow in building ties with your stepparents, stepchildren, or stepsiblings. Take the time to get to know one another, forging relationships in the same way you would any other interpersonal involvements—by having fun and doing things together. If possible, start early in creating these bonds—ideally as soon as it becomes certain that a stepfamily will form. Not doing so can lead to tension and conflict later, when the stepfamily formally becomes a family unit.
2. Practice daily maintenance. Research on stepfamilies emphasizes the importance of displaying affection, attending important activities and events, engaging in everyday talk, and sharing humorous stories—the behaviors fundamental to all families (Afifi, 2003). Try to express your support for your new family members by doing at least some of these things every day.
3. Create new family rituals. A critical part of building a new family identity is creating stepfamily rituals: events or activities shared between stepfamily members that function to define the group as a family. This can be sharing a weekly dinner together or attending religious services together. Whatever form it takes, the most constructive stepfamily rituals are those that bring stepfamily members together as a family, but still recognize and value what was important from the previous families (Schrodt, 2006).

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4. Avoid triangulating family members. You may feel it's strategic or even enjoyable to team up and triangulate against a stepparent or stepsibling. But such behavior damages your relationship with them and creates family stress (Schrodt & Afifi, 2007). If you're the one caught in the middle of triangulation, confront the perpetrators. Using your interpersonal skills (cooperative language, competent interpersonal communication), respectfully explain to them how their behavior is making you feel and the damage it is doing to the family. Remind them that stepfamilies are difficult enough to maintain without also having to deal with alliances, loyalty struggles, and power battles. Ask them to cease such behavior.
5. Be patient. Whenever families experience a major transition, there is always a lengthy period of adjustment. In the case of remarriage, it typically takes anywhere from three to five years for a stepfamily to stabilize as a family unit (Hetherington, 1993). Consequently, be patient. Expect that new relationship bonds are going to take a long time to develop, that you will feel uncertain about your new family roles, and that disputes will arise over privacy rules and personal boundaries (Golish, 2003).