Cross-Orientation Male Friendships

As New York Times writer Douglas Quenqua notes, the biggest stereotype regarding gay and straight male friendships is “the notion that gay men can’t refrain from hitting on straight friends.”³ This is false. In a poll of men involved in gay-straight friendships, Quenqua found little evidence of sexual tension. He did find several other barriers confronting such relationships, however. The most prominent was peer pressure from friends on both sides to not socialize with someone of a different orientation.

The other barriers were perceptual and communicative. Straight men often view gay men solely in terms of their sexual orientation, making it difficult to connect with them on other levels. As Matthew Streib, a gay journalist inBaltimore, describes, “It’s always about my gayness for the first two months. First they have questions, then they make fun of it, then they start seeing me as a person.” In addition, many straight men feel uncomfortable talking about their gay friends’ romantic involvements. Without being able to discuss this critical topic, the friends necessarily face constraints in how close they can become.

One context that has proven conducive of close cross-orientation friendships is the military. Sociologist Jammie Price found that the straight and gay men with the closest friendships were those who had fought side by side (1999). Having learned to depend on each other for survival built a bond that far transcended differences of sexual orientation.

But regardless of barriers or bonds, one thing isconsistent in cross-orientation male friendships: lack of consistency. As Douglas Quenqua concludes, “For every sweeping statement one can make about such friendships, there is a real-life counter example to underminethe stereotypes. As with all friendships, no two are exactly alike.”

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