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Betrayal

Given the value friends place upon mutual support and defending each other, it’s no surprise that betrayal is the most commonly reported reason for ending a friendship (Miller, Hefner, & Scott, 2007). Acts of friendship betrayal include breaking confidences, backstabbing (criticizing a friend behind his or her back), spreading rumors or gossip, and lying—all of which violate the friendship rules discussed earlier. When friends violate these rules, it’s difficult for friendships to survive. Similar to romantic betrayal, friends who are betrayed experience an overwhelming sense of relationship devaluation and loss (Miller et al., 2007). And—as with the Ashlee and Rachel example—betrayal often leads people to realize things about their friends’ characters that simply can’t be tolerated.

How can you better manage friendship betrayal, when it occurs? If it’s a friendship of any closeness, expect to experience grief as you suffer the loss of trust, intimacy, and the image of your friend you once held dear. Revisit the suggestions for grief management offered in Chapter 4, especially the value of emotion-sharing—that is, talking about your experience directly with people who have gone through the same thing. Importantly, avoid lashing out at the betrayer, or seeking revenge—both of which will simply make matters worse.

When you’re able, ponder whether you can or should repair the friendship. Ask yourself the following questions to help guide your decision. First, how serious was the betrayal? Not all betrayals are of equal standing, so think carefully about whether this incident is something you can learn to live with, or not. Second, what was the context preceding and surrounding the betrayal? Did you do something to provoke the betrayal? Would you have done the same thing in the same situation—or have you done similar things in the past? Be careful about blaming others for behaviors that you caused, holding double standards, and judging friends in ways you wouldn’t wish to be judged yourself. Third, do the benefits of continuing the friendship outweigh the costs? Use the friendship rules as a guide: Does your friend follow most of these rules, most of the time? If so, he or she may actually be a desirable friend. Fourth, is this betrayal a one-time event, or part of a consistent pattern? Everyone falls from grace on occasion; what you want to avoid is a person who habitually abuses your trust. Last, and perhaps most important, does this betrayal reveal something about your friend’s character that you simply can’t live with? Be honest with yourself and realize that some friendships are best left broken following betrayal. In Ashlee’s case, despite years of having Rachel as her best friend—and all the corresponding emotional, energy, and time investment—the betrayal revealed multiple aspects of Rachel’s character that Ashlee simply couldn’t tolerate, including sexism, racism, phoniness, and viciousness.