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Attraction: Romance and FWB Relationships

A final challenge facing friends is attraction to one another beyond friendship: romantic, sexual, or both. Men typically report more of a desire for romantic involvement with their platonic friends than do women (Schneider & Kenny, 2000). However, one study found that 87 percent of college women and 93 percent of college men reported feeling sexually attracted to a friend at some point in their lives (Asada, Morrison, Hughes, & Fitzpatrick, 2003).

Within cross-sex friendships, the issue of attraction is always a challenge, even when no such attraction exists between the friends. This is because people in their surrounding networks—and the broader culture at large—presume that such attraction will exist between men and women, and often pester cross-sex friends about it (Halatsis & Christakis, 2009). But when attraction does blossom between friends, same-sex or cross-sex, pursuing a sexual or romantic relationship brings its own challenges. Friends who feel attracted to one another typically report high uncertainty as a result: both regarding the nature of their relationship and whether or not their friend feels the same way (Weger & Emmett, 2009).

Friends cope with attraction by doing one of three things. Some friends simply repress the attraction, most commonly out of respect for their friendship (Messman et al., 2000). Friends who seek to repress attraction typically engage in mental management—they do things to actively manage how they think about each other so that the attraction is diminished (Halatsis & Christakis, 2009). These may include pacts and promises to not pursue the attraction, a strict avoidance of flirting, and the curtailing of activities (such as going out drinking) that might inadvertently lead to sexual interaction (Halatsis & Christakis, 2009). Alternatively, some friends act on their attraction by either developing a full-fledged romantic involvement, or trying to blend their friendship with sexual activity through a “friends-with-benefits” arrangement.

Although it’s commonly believed that pursuing a romantic relationship will “kill the friendship” if or when the romance fizzles, the results actually are mixed. People who were friends prior to a romance are much more likely to be friends following a failed romance than those who were not friends first (Schneider & Kenny, 2000). However, postromance friendships tend to be less close than those with friends who have always been platonic. How can you successfully transition from friendship to romance, or back again? First, expect difference. Romantic relationships and friendships are fundamentally different in expectations, demands, commitment, and corresponding emotional intensity. Don’t presume that your feelings, those of your partner, or the interplay between you two, will be the same. Second, emphasize disclosure. Relationship transitions tend to evoke high uncertainty, as partners worry about what the other thinks and feels, and wonder where the relationship is going. To reduce this uncertainty, share your feelings in an open and honest fashion, and encourage your partner to do the same. Finally, offer assurances. Let your partner know that whether you two are friends or lovers, you stand by him or her, and your relationship, regardless. This is especially important when transitioning back to friendship from romance, as your partner may believe that your relationship is now over.

Like Emma and Adam in No Strings Attached, some friends deal with sexual attraction by forming a “friends-with-benefits” (FWB) relationship. In FWB relationships, the participants engage in sexual activity, but not with the purpose of transforming the relationship into a romantic attachment (Hughes, Morrison, & Asada, 2005). FWB relationships appear to be widespread. Studies suggest that around 50 percent of college students have had such a relationship (Mongeau, Ramirez, & Vorrell, 2003).

Those who form FWB relationships do so for two reasons: they welcome the lack of commitment (and all its attendant sacrifices), and they want to satisfy sexual needs (Asada et al., 2003). Both men and women cite these same reasons, contradicting stereotypes that women seek only emotional satisfaction in relationships while men want only sex.

Most partners in FWB relationships develop rules regarding emotional attachment, communication, and sex, akin to those depicted in No Strings Attached (Hughes et al., 2005). For example, they commonly strike an agreement to not fall in love. And they establish rules governing the frequency of phone calling, e-mailing, and text-messaging; and sex rules regarding safer sex practices, frequency of sex, and sexual exclusivity. But despite these rules, the majority of FWB relationships fail eventually, costing the participants their original friendship as well as the sexual arrangement. Why? As with Emma and Adam, participants tend to develop romantic feelings despite their best efforts to avoid them, and many decide that the FWB relationship doesn’t satisfy them enough emotionally (Hughes et al., 2005).