11.1.1 Friendship Defined

Friendship Is Voluntary We have greater liberty in choosing our friends than we do in choosing partners for any other relationship type (Sias et al., 2008). Whether a friendship forms is determined largely by the people involved, based on their mutual desire to create such a relationship. This is different from romantic, workplace, and family involvements. Consider romantic relationships. You may face substantial familial or cultural constraints in your choice of romantic partners. You may be expected (or allowed) only to date people of a certain age, gender, ethnicity, religion, or income level. You may even have a spouse chosen for you in an arranged marriage. In the workplace (as we’ll discuss more in Chapter 12), you are required to work collaboratively with certain people, whether you like them or not. And in your family, you’re bound to others through birth, adoption, or the creation of a stepfamily. These ties are involuntary. As French poet Jacques Delille (1738–1813) put it, “Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends.”

Friendship Is Driven by Shared Interests As shown by Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King, similarity is the primary force that draws us to our friends (Parks & Floyd, 1996). This is true across ages, genders, sexual orientations, and ethnicities. One practical implication of this is that when your interests and activities change, so do your friendships. If you change your political or religious beliefs or suffer an injury that prevents you from playing a beloved sport, friendships related to those things may change as well. Some friendships will endure—the focus of the relationship shifting to new points of commonality—but others will fade away. One of the most common reasons for friendships ending is a change in shared interests and beliefs (Miller et al., 2007).

Friendship Is Characterized by Self-Disclosure We consider most people in our lives “acquaintances.” Only a select few rise to the level of “friends.” What distinguishes the two groups? Self-disclosure. Both men and women report that being able to freely and deeply disclose is the defining feature of friendship (Parks & Floyd, 1996). Self-disclosure between friends means sharing private thoughts and feelings, and believing (like Gayle and Oprah) that “we can tell each other anything.” The relationship between friendship and self-disclosure is reciprocal as well. The more you consider someone a friend, the more you will disclose, and the more you disclose, the more you will consider that person a friend (Shelton, Trail, West, & Bergsieker, 2010).

Friendship Is Volatile Friendships are less stable, more likely to change, and easier to break off than family or romantic relationships ( Johnson, Wittenberg, Villagran, Mazur, & Villagran, 2003). Why? Consider the differences in depth of commitment. We’re bonded to friends by choice, rooted in shared interests. But we’re bonded to families by social and legal commitment, and to lovers by deep emotional and sexual attachment. These loyalties mean we may choose or forgo professional opportunities to preserve romances or stay close to family. But most of us will choose to pursue our careers over staying geographically close to friends (Patterson, 2007).

Friendship Is Rooted in Liking We feel affection and respect for our friends. In other words, we like them (Rubin, 1973). We also enjoy their company; pleasure in sharing time together is a defining feature of friendships (Hays, 1988). At the same time, because friendships are rooted in liking—rather than love—we’re not as emotionally attached to our friends as we are to other intimates, and we’re not as emotionally demanding of them. Correspondingly, we’re expected to be more loyal to and more willing to help romantic partners and family members than friends (Davis & Todd, 1985).