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Defining Interpersonal Communication

Why has learning about interpersonal communication always been considered so valuable? Because knowledge of interpersonal skills is essential for maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships. For most people, having happy relationships with romantic partners, friends, family members, and coworkers is of the utmost importance (Myers, 2002).

The link that exists between relationships and interpersonal communication is clearly illustrated by our definition: interpersonal communication is a dynamic form of communication between two (or more) people in which the messages exchanged significantly influence their thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. This definition has four important implications. First, interpersonal communication differs from some other forms of communication—such as office memos, e-mail spam, and formal lectures or speeches—because it’s dynamic. Dynamic means that interpersonal communication is constantly in motion and changing over time. Most interpersonal communication is spontaneously created—arising from our thoughts, moods, and emotions of the moment—unlike the carefully planned messages that dominate advertisements, professional journalism, and formal public speeches. For example, consider a Skype interaction you have with a sibling who lives overseas. The first few moments may be awkward or tense as you strive to reconnect with one another. This tension is reflected in long pauses between short sentences. Then one of you cracks a joke, and the whole exchange suddenly feels warmer. Just a few minutes later, as you realize you have to end the encounter, the conversation slows, and the mood shifts yet again to sadness and regret, as each of you tries to delay the inevitable disconnection.

Second, most interpersonal communication is transactional; both parties contribute to the meaning. For example, you and a romantic partner share an intimate dinner, jointly reminiscing about past times together and exchanging expressions of affection fluidly back and forth. But some interpersonal communication isn’t transactional. You know that your sibling is feeling depressed over a breakup, so you send her a consoling text message in the middle of her workday. You don’t expect her to respond, and she doesn’t because she’s busy. There’s no feedback and no interplay between you and your sister. Instead, there is a sender (you), a message (your expression of support), and a receiver (your sister), making it a linear encounter, albeit an interpersonal one.

Third, interpersonal communication is primarily dyadic—it involves pairs of people, or dyads. You chat with your daughter while driving her to school, or you exchange a series of Facebook messages with a long-distance friend. Of course, some interpersonal communication may involve more than just two people. For instance, several family members converse at once while sitting around the dinner table, or a group of friends talk while enjoying an evening out. The dyadic nature of interpersonal communication allows us to distinguish it from intrapersonal communication—communication involving only one person, in the form of talking out loud to oneself or having a mental “conversation” inside one’s head.

When we interpersonally communicate, we forge meaningful bonds with others

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, interpersonal communication creates impact: it changes participants’ thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. The impact on relationships is one of the most profound and unique effects created through interpersonal communication. When we interpersonally communicate, we forge meaningful bonds with others—easing the distance that naturally arises from differences between people. Philosopher Martin Buber (1965) argued that we can make that distance seem “thinner” through our communication. Specifically, Buber suggests, when we embrace the fundamental similarities that connect us with others, strive to see things from others’ points of view, and communicate in ways that emphasize honesty and kindness, we feel closer to others. We don’t have to agree with everything another person says and does, but to communicate competently with others, we need to approach them with an open mind and welcoming heart, affording them the same attention and respect we expect for ourselves. According to Buber, we then perceive our relationship with that person as I-Thou.

In contrast, when we focus on our differences, refuse to accept or even acknowledge rival viewpoints as legitimate, and communicate in ways that emphasize our own supposed superiority over others, the distance between us and others “thickens” to the point where it becomes impenetrable. As a consequence, we increasingly perceive our relationships as I-It: we regard other people as “objects which we observe, that are there for our use and exploitation” (Buber, 1965, p. 24). The more we view others as objects, the greater is the likelihood that we’ll communicate with them in disrespectful, manipulative, or exploitative ways. When we treat others this way, our relationships deteriorate.

Interpersonal communication contrasts sharply with impersonal communication—exchanges that have a negligible perceived impact on our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. For example, you’re watching TV with your lover, and one of you casually comments on an advertisement that is annoying. Within most close relationships, at least some communication has this impersonal quality. But we can shift to interpersonal at a moment’s notice. A while after the ad commentary, you snuggle up to your partner and murmur, “I love you.” You’re rewarded by warm eye contact, a tender smile, and a gentle hug—all signs that your message has had a significant impact on your partner.

Highlighting the mental, emotional, behavioral, and relational impact of interpersonal communication reinforces the central theme of this text: the communication choices we make determine the personal, interpersonal, and relationship outcomes that follow. Through communicating interpersonally with others, you can change your own feelings and thoughts about both yourself and others; alter others’ opinions of you; cause heartbreak or happiness; incite hugs or hostility; and create, maintain, or dissolve relationships. This power makes your interpersonal communication choices critically important.