Principles Of Interpersonal Communication
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Principles of Interpersonal Communication
Now that you know the definition of interpersonal communication, we can expand our understanding of how it functions in our daily lives by looking at several principles suggested by scholars, based on decades of research and theory development. These principles are affirmed repeatedly throughout our text, and each one suggests practical insights into how you can improve your interpersonal communication choices, skills, and relationships.
Interpersonal Communication Conveys Both Content and Relationship Information During every interpersonal encounter, people simultaneously exchange two types of information (Watzlawick et al., 1967). Content information is the actual meaning of the words you utter. Relationship information consists of signals indicating how each of you views your relationship. These signals may indicate whether you consider yourself superior, equal, or inferior to the other person and whether you see the relationship as intimate, acquainted, or estranged.
You convey content information directly through spoken or written words, but you communicate relationship information primarily through nonverbal cues. These cues can include vocal tone, pitch, and volume; facial expression and eye contact; hand gestures; position in relation to the listener; and posture. For instance, suppose your housemate hasn’t been doing his fair share of kitchen cleanup. One evening, after he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink (again!), you walk into the living room where he’s watching TV. You sit down next to him, smile, and say in a friendly tone of voice, “Do you think you could rinse your dishes off and put them in the dishwasher when you’re done with them?” Now imagine the exact same situation—except this time you stand between him and the TV, scowl, point your finger at him, and shout, “Do you think you could rinse your dishes off and put them in the dishwasher when you’re done with them?!” In both scenarios, the content information is identical—you use exactly the same words—but you communicate very different relationship information. In the first scene, you indicate that you like and respect your housemate, and consider him an equal. In the second, you communicate anger and dislike, and imply that you see yourself as superior or more powerful.
Relationship information strongly influences how people interpret content information (Watzlawick et al., 1967). In the example above, your housemate will look much more to your actions than your words to decide how you feel about him and the relationship. During most interpersonal encounters, however, people aren’t consciously aware of the relationship information being delivered. You don’t usually sit there thinking, “Gee, what’s this person trying to convey to me about how she sees our relationship?” Relationship information becomes most obvious when it’s unexpected or when it suggests that the sender’s view of the relationship is different from the receiver’s. For example, a new acquaintance says something overly intimate to you, or a coworker starts ordering you around as if he’s your manager. When such events occur, we often experience annoyance or anxiety (“Who does he think he is?!”). That’s why it’s important to communicate relationship information in ways that are sensitive to and respectful of others’ impressions of the relationship, while at the same time staying true to your own relationship feelings.
Because relationship information influences how people interpret content information, it can be considered a specific form of meta-communication—communication about communication (Watzlawick, Beavin, & Jackson, 1967). Meta-communication includes any message, verbal or nonverbal, that has as its central focus the meaning of communication—everything from discussion of previous comments (“I actually was joking when I sent you that text message”) to exchanged glances between friends questioning how a message should be interpreted (“What did he mean when he said that?”). During interpersonal encounters, meta-communication helps us to understand each other’s communication, giving us additional guidance regarding how messages should be perceived.
Interpersonal Communication Can Be Intentional or Unintentional During interpersonal encounters, people attach meaning to nearly everything you say and do—whether you intend to send a message or not. Scholars express this as the axiom, “One cannot not communicate” (Watzlawick et al., 1967, p. 51). In most situations, you intend certain meanings, and people understand you. Sometimes, however, people read meanings into behaviors that you didn’t intend as communicative. In such instances, interpersonal communication has occurred, even though it was unintentional. For example, imagine that you greet a friend of yours, “Hey, how’s it going?” She greets you back, “Hi—good to see you!” So far so good—both messages were intentional, and both were interpreted correctly. But then, as your friend tells you about her new boyfriend, your contact lens gets displaced. It’s the third time it’s happened today, so you sigh loudly in frustration, and move your eyes to try and get it back in position. Your friend, seeing this, thinks you’re sighing and rolling your eyes as a message about her boyfriend, and gets angry, “Oh, so you disapprove of him? Why!?” Whether you like it or not, interpersonal communication has occurred, even though it was unintentional. To avoid such misunderstandings, keep this simple rule in mind: when you’re interacting with others, most of what you say and do will be perceived as communication.
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Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible Every time you communicate interpersonally, you and the other person affect your future communication and the quality of your relationship. Take the way you answer your cell phone. The ring tone prompts you to look at the incoming number. Your identification of the caller influences how you answer—a warm and enthusiastic “Hi!” or a terse “Yeah?”—depending on how you feel about the caller. Your answer in turn influences how the caller responds. And his or her response further affects your next comment.
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This interconnectedness of action makes all interpersonal communication irreversible. By posting a message on someone’s Facebook wall, sending a text, leaving a voicemail message, or expressing a thought out loud during a face-to-face encounter, you set in motion the series of outcomes that follow. Simply, once you’ve said something, you can’t take it back. When it comes to interpersonal communication and relationships, there are no “freebies” or “get out of jail free” cards. This is why it’s important to think carefully before you communicate. Ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say going to lead to outcomes I want?” If the answer is no, revise your message accordingly.
Interpersonal Communication Is Dynamic When you interact with others, your communication and all that influences it—perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions—are constantly in flux. This has several practical implications. First, no two interactions with the same person will ever be identical. People with whom we once interacted effortlessly and joyfully can seem difficult to talk with during our next encounter. Those we once felt awkward around may become our closest confidants.
Second, no two moments within the same interaction will ever be identical. The complex combination of perceptions, thoughts, moods, and emotions that fuels our interpersonal communication choices is constantly changing. For instance, you meet your long-distance romantic partner at the airport, and for the first few minutes after he or she debarks from the plane you both feel joyous. But half an hour later, while driving home, you suddenly find yourselves at a loss for things to talk about. As the minutes pass, the tension increases as you both silently ponder, “What happened?”