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Family and Self

When we’re born, we have no self-awareness, self-concept, or self-esteem. As we mature, we slowly become aware of ourselves as unique and separate from our environments and begin developing self-concepts. Our caregivers play a crucial role in this process, providing us with ready-made sets of beliefs, attitudes, and values from which we construct our fledgling selves. We also forge emotional bonds with our caregivers, attachments that form the foundation for all of our future interpersonal connections (Bowlby, 1969). Our communication and interactions with caregivers powerfully shape our beliefs regarding the functions, rewards, and dependability of interpersonal relationships (Domingue & Mollen, 2009).

These beliefs, in turn, help shape two dimensions of our thoughts, feelings, and behavior: attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance (Collins & Feeney, 2004). Attachment anxiety is the degree to which a person fears rejection by relationship partners. If you experience high attachment anxiety, you perceive yourself as unlovable and unworthy—thoughts that may result from being ignored or even abused during youth. Consequently, in close relationships you experience chronic fear of abandonment. If you have low attachment anxiety, you feel lovable and worthy of attention—reflections of a supportive and affectionate upbringing. As a result, you feel comfortable and confident in your intimate involvements.

Attachment avoidance is the degree to which someone desires close interpersonal ties. If you have high attachment avoidance, you’ll likely experience little interest in intimacy, preferring solitude instead. Such feelings may stem from childhood neglect or an upbringing that encouraged autonomy. If you experience low attachment avoidance, you seek intimacy and interdependence with others, having learned in youth that such connections are essential for happiness and well-being.

Four attachment styles derive from these two dimensions (Collins & Feeney, 2004; Domingue & Mollen, 2009). Secure attachment individuals are low on both anxiety and avoidance: they’re comfortable with intimacy and seek close ties with others. Secure individuals report warm and supportive relationships, high self-esteem, and confidence in their ability to communicate. When relationship problems arise, they move to resolve them (“We can work this out”), and are willing to solicit support from others—for example, asking a friend for advice on how to handle an argument with a spouse. In addition, they are comfortable with sexual intimacy, and unlikely to engage in risky sexual behavior.

Preoccupied attachment adults are high in anxiety and low in avoidance: they desire closeness, but are plagued with fear of rejection. They may use sexual contact to satisfy their compulsive need to feel loved. When faced with relationship challenges, preoccupied individuals react with extreme negative emotion and a lack of trust (“I know you don’t love me!”). Their constant worrying and demands for attention and reassurance can drive relationship partners away, so these individuals often have difficulty maintaining long-term involvements.

People with low anxiety but high avoidance have a dismissive attachment style. They view close relationships as comparatively unimportant, instead prizing and prioritizing self-reliance. Relationship crises evoke hasty exits (“I don’t need this kind of hassle!”), and they are more likely than other attachment styles to engage in casual sexual relationships and to endorse the view that sex without love is positive.

Finally, fearful attachment adults are high in both attachment anxiety and avoidance. They fear rejection and tend to shun relationships, preferring to avoid the pain they believe is an inevitable part of intimacy. Fearful individuals can develop close ties if the relationship seems to guarantee a lack of rejection, such as when a partner is disabled or otherwise dependent on them. But even then, they suffer from a chronic lack of faith in themselves, their partners, and the relationship’s viability.