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Reappraising Your Emotions

Imagine that you (like me) occasionally receive friendly e-mails or Facebook messages from former romantic partners. You feel ethically obligated to share these messages with your current partner, but you also know that when you do, he or she will respond by popping off nasty remarks about your ex that anger you. Knowing this will happen, how can you best manage the emotions that will arise?

The most fruitful strategy for engaging difficult and unavoidable emotions is reappraisal: actively changing how you think about the meaning of emotion-eliciting situations so that their emotional impact is changed (Jackson, Malmstadt, Larson, & Davidson, 2000). To use reappraisal in the previous example, you might think vividly about your partner’s positive aspects, your mutual love for one another, and your future together (Richards et al., 2003). As a result, you’ll be more likely to communicate positively—“I know you don’t like my ex, and I can totally understand why; I would feel the same if I was in your shoes”—rather than negatively—“Why do you always feel the need to criticize my ex?!”

Reappraisal is effective because you employ it before a full-blown emotional reaction commences. This strategy requires little effort compared to trying to suppress or control your emotions after they’ve occurred. In addition, reappraisal produces interpersonal communication that is partner-focused and perceived as engaged and emotionally responsive (Gross et al., 2006). Across studies, people who are most effective at managing their emotional communication report reappraisal as their primary strategy (John & Gross, 2004).

Reappraisal is accomplished in two steps. First, before or during an encounter that you suspect will trigger an undesired emotion in yourself, call to mind the positive aspects of the encounter. If you truly can’t think of anything positive about the other person, your relationship, or the situation, focus on seeing yourself as the kind of person who can constructively communicate even during unpleasant encounters with people you ardently dislike. Second, consider the short- and long-term consequences of your actions. Think about how communicating positively in the here-and-now will shape future outcomes in constructive ways.

You can use reappraisal to effectively manage problematic positive emotions as well. Imagine you’ve spent much of your morning pondering a new romance. Although you’re uncertain of your partner’s feelings, you realize that you are falling in love. Just then, your partner calls, saying, “I just wanted to say ‘Hi.’ ” Your adrenaline surges, your heart leaps into your throat, and you feel joy. But you also realize that you must manage your emotional communication, lest you overwhelm your partner with your intensity.

To use reappraisal in this case, you would focus your thoughts on your partner’s perspective, recalling that you don’t yet know whether he or she feels the same way you do. You would remind yourself why your partner has called (to say “Hi”), and assess your relationship ( just beginning). Finally, you would consider the potential consequences of this encounter—such as frightening your partner away. With the situation reappraised and your emotions managed, you might say something like, “What a nice surprise—I was just thinking about you!” This may be a far more appropriate response than what might have come out of your mouth had you not reappraised: “I’ve been thinking about you nonstop all morning and just realized I’m completely in love with you!”