4.4.5 Grief

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Grief

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

—W. H. AUDEN,

“STOP ALL THE CLOCKS, CUT OFF THE TELEPHONE”

The intense sadness that follows a substantial loss, known as grief, is something each of us will experience. We cannot maintain long-term, intimate involvements with other mortal beings without at some point losing loved ones to death. But grief isn’t only about mortality. You’re likely to experience grief in response to any type of major loss. This may include parental (or personal) divorce, physical disability due to injury, romantic relationship breakup, loss of a much-loved job, or even the destruction or misplacing of a valued object such as an engagement ring or treasured family heirloom.

Managing grief is enormously and uniquely taxing. Unlike other negative emotions such as anger, which is typically triggered by a onetime, short-lived event, grief stays with us for a long time—triggered repeatedly by experiences linked with the loss.

Managing Your Grief No magic pill can erase the suffering associated with a grievous loss. It seems ludicrous to think of applying strategies such as reappraisal, encounter structuring, or the Jefferson strategy to such pain. Can you systematically change your thoughts about your loss so that the pain goes away? Avoid all mention of your suffering so you feel better? Count to 10 or 100 and find the pain gone? No. Grief is a unique emotional experience, and none of the emotion management strategies discussed in this chapter so far can help you.

Instead, you must use emotion-sharing: talking about your grief with others who are experiencing or have experienced similar pain, or people who are skilled at providing you with much-needed emotional support and comfort. Participating in a support group for people who have suffered similar losses can encourage you to share your emotions. When you share your grief, you feel powerfully connected with others—and this sense of connection can be a source of comfort. You also gain affirmation that the grief process you’re experiencing is normal. For example, a fellow support-group participant who also lost his mother to cancer might tell you that he, too, finds Mother’s Day a particularly painful time or that he, too, finds himself weeping suddenly at inopportune moments. Finally, other participants in a support group can help you remember that grief does get gradually more bearable over time.

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Figure 4.16: This photograph taken by Arko Datta shows a woman mourning a relative who was killed in the 2004 tsunami in South Asia. It won the World Press Photo Foundation Spot News award in 2005.

For those of us without ready access to face-to-face support groups, online support offers a viable alternative. Besides not requiring transportation and allowing access to written records of any “missed” meetings, online support groups also provide a certain degree of anonymity for people who feel shy or uncomfortable within traditional group settings (Weinberg, Schmale, Uken, & Wessel, 1995). You can interact in a way that preserves some degree of privacy. This is an important advantage, as many people find it easier to “discuss” sensitive topics online than face-to-face, where they’d run the risk of embarrassment (Furger, 1996).

Comforting Others The challenges you face in helping others manage their grief are compounded by the popular tendency to use suppression for managing sadness. The decision to use suppression derives from the widespread belief that it’s important to maintain a stoic bearing, a “stiff upper lip,” during personal tragedies (Beach, 2002). However, a person who uses suppression to manage grief can end up experiencing stress-related disorders such as chronic anxiety or depression. Also, the decision to suppress can lead even normally open and communicative people to stop talking about their feelings. This places you in the awkward position of trying to help others manage emotions that they themselves are unwilling to admit they are experiencing.

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Figure 4.17: A candlelight vigil can be a powerful source of comfort and connection for those grieving similar losses.

The best way you can help others manage their grief is to engage in supportive communication—sharing messages that express emotional support and that offer personal assistance (Burleson & MacGeorge, 2002). Competent support messages convey sincere expressions of sympathy and condolence, concern for the other person, and encouragement to express emotions. Incompetent support messages tell a person how he or she should feel or indicate that the individual is somehow inadequate or blameworthy. Communication scholar and social support expert Amanda Holmstrom offers seven suggestions for improving your supportive communication.3

  1. Make sure the person is ready to talk. You may have amazing support skills, but if the person is too upset to talk, don’t push it. Instead, make it clear that you care and want to help, and that you’ll be there to listen when he or she needs you.
  2. Find the right place and time. Once a person is ready, find a place and a time conducive to quiet conversation. Avoid distracting settings such as parties where you won’t be able to focus, and find a time of the day where neither of you has other pressing obligations.
  3. Ask good questions. Start with open-ended queries such as “How are you feeling?” or “What’s on your mind?” Then follow up with more targeted questions based on the response, such as “Are you eating and sleeping OK?” (if not, a potential indicator of depression), or “Have you connected with a support group?” (essential to emotion-sharing). Don’t assume that because you’ve been in a similar situation, you know what someone is going through. Refrain from saying, “I know just how you feel.” Importantly, if you suspect a person is contemplating suicide, ask him or her directly about it. Say, “Have you been thinking about killing yourself?” or “Has suicide crossed your mind?” People often mistakenly think that direct questions such as these will “push someone over the edge,” but in fact it’s the opposite. Research suggests that someone considering suicide wants to talk about it, but believes that no one cares. If you ask direct questions, a suicidal person typically won’t be offended or lie, but instead will open up to you. Then you can encourage the person to seek counseling. Someone not considering suicide will express surprise at the question, often laughing it off with a “What? No way!”
  4. Legitimize, don’t minimize. Don’t dismiss the problem or the significance of the person’s feelings by saying things such as “It could have been worse,” “Why are you so upset?!” or “You can always find another lover!” Research shows these comments are unhelpful. Instead, let the person know that it’s normal and OK to feel as they do.
  5. Listen actively. Show the person that you are interested in what is being said. Engage in good eye contact, lean toward him or her, and say “Uh-huh” and “Yeah” when appropriate.
  6. Offer advice cautiously. We want to help someone who is suffering. So we often jump right in and offer advice. But many times that’s not helpful or even wanted. Advice is best when it’s asked for, when the advice giver has relevant expertise or experience (e.g., a relationship counselor), or when it advocates actions the person can actually do. Advice is hurtful when it implies that the person is to blame or can’t solve his or her own problems. When in doubt, ask if advice would be appreciated—or just hold back.
  7. Show concern and give praise. Let the person know you genuinely care and are concerned about his or her well-being (“I am so sorry for your loss; you’re really important to me”). Build the person up by praising his or her strength in handling this challenge. Showing care and concern helps connect you to someone while praise will help a person feel better.

Supportive Communication

Watch this clip online to answer the questions below.

Question

Supportive Communication

  • Skillfully providing emotional support
  • image Let the person know you’re available to talk, but don’t force an encounter.
  • image Find a quiet, private space.
  • image Start with general questions, and work toward more specific. If you think he or she might be suicidal, ask directly.
  • image Assure the person that his or her feelings are normal.
  • image Show that you’re attending closely to what is being said.
  • image Ask before offering advice.
  • image Let the person know you care!