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Using “I” Language

It’s the biggest intramural basketball game of the year, and your team is down by a point with five seconds left when your teammate is fouled. Stepping to the line for two free throws and a chance to win the game, she misses both, and your team loses. As you leave the court, you angrily snap at her, “You really let us down!”

The second key to cooperative verbal communication is taking ownership of the things you say to others, especially in situations where you’re expressing negative feelings or criticism. You can do this by avoiding “you” language, phrases that place the focus of attention and blame on other people, such as “You let us down.” Instead, rearrange your statements so that you use “I” language, phrases that emphasize ownership of your feelings, opinions, and beliefs (see Table 6.2). The difference between “I” and “you” may strike you as minor, but it actually has powerful effects: “I” language is less likely to trigger defensiveness on the part of your listeners than “you” language (Kubany, Richard, Bauer, & Muraoka, 1992). “I” language creates a clearer impression on listeners that you’re responsible for what you’re saying and that you’re expressing your own perceptions rather than stating unquestionable truths.