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Defensive Communication

A second barrier to cooperative verbal communication is defensive communication (or defensiveness), impolite messages delivered in response to suggestions, criticism, or perceived slights. For example, at work, you suggest an alternative approach to a coworker, but she snaps, “We’ve always done it this way.” You broach the topic of relationship concerns with your romantic partner, but he or she shuts you down, telling you to “Just drop it!” People who communicate defensively dismiss the validity of what another person has said. They also refuse to make internal attributions about their own behavior, especially when they are at fault. Instead, they focus their responses away from themselves and on the other person.

Four types of defensive communication are common (Waldron, Turner, Alexander, & Barton, 1993). Through dogmatic messages, a person dismisses suggestions for improvement or constructive criticism, refuses to consider other views, and continues to believe that his or her behaviors are acceptable. With superiority messages, the speaker suggests that he or she possesses special knowledge, ability, or status far beyond that of the other individual. In using indifference messages, a person implies that the suggestion or criticism being offered is irrelevant, uninteresting, or unimportant. Through control messages, a person seeks to squelch criticism by controlling the other individual or the encounter (see Table 6.3).

Defensive communication is interpersonally incompetent, because it violates norms for appropriate behavior, rarely succeeds in effectively achieving interpersonal goals, and treats others with disrespect (Waldron et al., 1993). People who communicate in a chronically defensive fashion suffer a host of negative consequences, including high rates of conflict and lower satisfaction in their personal and professional relationships (Infante, Myers, & Burkel, 1994). Yet even highly competent communicators behave defensively on occasion. Defensiveness is an almost instinctive reaction to behavior that makes us angry—communication we perceive as inappropriate, unfair, or unduly harsh. Consequently, the key to overcoming it is to control its triggering factors. For example, if a certain person or situation invariably provokes defensiveness in you, practice preventive anger management strategies such as encounter avoidance or encounter restructuring (see Chapter 4). If you can’t avoid the person or situation, use techniques such as reappraisal and the Jefferson Strategy (also in Chapter 4). Given that defensiveness frequently stems from attributional errors—thinking the other person is “absolutely wrong” and you’re “absolutely right”—perception-checking (Chapter 3) can also help you reduce your defensiveness.

To prevent others from communicating defensively with you, use “I” and “we” language appropriately, and offer empathy and support when communicating suggestions, advice, or criticism. At the same time, realize that using cooperative language is not a panacea for curing chronic defensiveness in another person. Some people are so deeply entrenched in their defensiveness that any language you use, no matter how cooperative, will still trigger a defensive response. In such situations, the best you can do is strive to maintain ethical communication by treating the person with respect. You might also consider removing yourself from the encounter before it can escalate into intense conflict.