BACKGROUND

Receiving mixed messages—when verbal and nonverbal communication clash—is a common dilemma in relationships. To explore ways to deal with mixed messages, read the case study and work through the steps under Your Turn.

CASE STUDY

You met Dakota through a mutual friend, and the two of you instantly bonded—you have the same interests, same likes and dislikes, even the same major. You never tire of talking to Dakota—you two are constantly e-mailing, text-messaging, or conversing on the phone. You’ve always considered Dakota physically attractive but never envisioned a romance. This is partly because you two are good friends, and because you both were involved with other people. Those other relationships have recently ended. But you still think of Dakota only as a friend.

Then things became confusing when you recently met Dakota for lunch. Dakota looked unusually nice—all dressed up. When you asked, “What’s the occasion?” you got an evasive response. Dakota kept leaning toward you, making extensive eye contact, smiling, touching your arm and leg (although at the time it seemed “accidental”), and even suggested you two take more classes together next semester. You’re pleased—until you tell your roommate about the lunch. Your roommate laughs and says, “Dakota is crushing on you!” Troubled, you send your friend an e-mail. The two of you have always been honest and open with each other (especially online), so you tell Dakota what your roommate said, and type “What’s up?” Dakota responds with a teasing, “As if I’d ever crush on you ;)!”

In the days that follow, you increasingly sense that Dakota wants a romantic involvement. Everything about your friend’s nonverbal communication suggests intimacy. But whenever you raise the issue, Dakota denies it, responding, “You’ve got an overactive imagination.” You start feeling confused and irked by the mixed messages.

One day, going to Dakota’s apartment, you mull over the situation. Is Dakota romantically interested in you, or are you imagining things? Should you push your friend to “tell you the truth,” or has Dakota already communicated a clear message? Should you make a pass at Dakota just to see the response? Or just forget the whole matter? Arriving at your friend’s doorstep, you knock, and the door opens—revealing an attractively dressed Dakota. With a big smile, your friend says, “What’s up?” How do you respond?

YOUR TURN

While working through the following steps, keep in mind the interpersonal communication concepts, skills, and insights you’ve learned so far in this book, especially this chapter. Also remember: there are no right answers, so think hard about the choice you make! (Review the Helpful Concepts listed below.)

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