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Handling Conflict

How you approach conflict affects the outcomes

I was flying home after spending spring break with my folks. The jet provided so little space between seats that if someone in front of you leaned back, you couldn’t have your tray table out. Across the aisle was “Mike,” a large-bellied businessman writing furiously on his laptop. An hour into the flight, the man sitting in front of him, “Tom,” suddenly leaned his seat back and began reading a book. Of course, the moment he did so, the tray table on the back of his seat jammed into Mike’s belly and the seat back forced his laptop closed.

“Excuse me!” snapped Mike, “I’m using my computer—can you lean your seat forward?”

“But I want to lean back,” said Tom, staying where he was.

“But I’m trying to use my computer, and I can’t if you’re leaning back!” snarled Mike.

“Your computer isn’t my problem! I have the right to lean back if I want!” exclaimed Tom. Mike then buzzed the flight attendant, who approached Tom.

“Sir, if you could just move your seat forward a little, he can use his computer.”

Tom went berserk. “WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME WHO COMPROMISES? I’M NOT MOVING!” he shouted. The attendant then offered a different seat to Mike, who proceeded to shove Tom’s seat back when exiting so that it hit him in the head.

What would you have done in this situation? Would you have avoided the conflict by pretending that you weren’t being inconvenienced? Would you have demanded that your desires be met? Would you have “freaked out”? Or would you have attempted to work collaboratively, seeking an agreeable compromise or a solution that met both of your needs?

In situations where others are interrupting your goals or actions, your most important decision is how to handle the conflict (Sillars & Wilmot, 1994). Your choice about what you’ll say and do will shape everything that follows—whether the situation will go unresolved, escalate, or be resolved. Your communication choices also influence whether your relationship with the other person (if one exists) will be damaged or grow stronger.

In this section, we examine the approaches people use for handling conflict. In addition, we look at the impact that gender, culture, and technology have upon selection of these approaches.