8.4.6 Technology and Handling Conflict

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Technology and Handling Conflict

Evenings at my house are filled with the musical chiming of text-message alerts, as my sons chat with friends and girlfriends. But I can always tell when a fight is brewing. The messaging suddenly accelerates, then there’s an actual phone call, followed by a quick scurry up the stairs for privacy. Asking if everything’s OK, I always get the same response, “Yes—we’re just fighting!”

Given how much of our daily communication occurs via technology, it’s no surprise that conflicts occur through text- or instant-messaging, e-mail, and Web posts. Nearly two-thirds of college students (61.2 percent) report using mediated channels to engage in conflicts, the most popular form being text-messaging (Frisby & Westerman, 2010). When asked why they choose mediated channels rather than face-to-face contact, respondents report “geographical distance” as the most common reason. Without the means for immediately seeing someone, texting becomes a tempting alternative for handling conflict.

Unfortunately, such media are not well suited for resolving conflicts. The inability to see nonverbal reactions to messages makes people less aware of the consequences of their communication choices (Joinson, 2001). As a result, people are more likely to prioritize their own goals, minimize a partner’s goals, and use hostile personal attacks in pursuit of their goals online than face-to-face (Shedletsky & Aitken, 2004).

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Thus, the first and most important step in managing conflict constructively is to take the encounter offline. Doing so can dramatically reduce the likelihood of attributional errors and substantially boost empathy. When college students were asked which channel should be used for handling conflict, they noted that ‘‘face-to face is so much better’’ because it allows you “to know how the other person feels with their facial expressions’’ (Frisby & Westerman, 2010, p. 975). If meeting face-to-face isn’t an option at the time, you can try to stall the encounter by saying, “I think this is best handled in person. When can we get together and talk?” If you can’t (or don’t want to) meet, then switch to a phone call. That way, you’ll at least have vocal cues to gauge a partner’s reaction and enhance your empathy.

If, however, you’re in a situation in which you must deal with the conflict online, try these suggestions (Munro, 2002):

  1. Wait and reread. All conflict—whether it’s online or off—begins with a triggering event: something said or done that elicits anger, challenges goals, or blocks desired actions. When you receive a message that provokes you, don’t respond right away. Instead, wait for a while, engage in other activities, and then reread it. This helps you to avoid communicating when your anger is at its peak. It also provides the opportunity for reassessment: often, in rereading a message later, you’ll find that your initial interpretation was mistaken.
  2. Assume the best and watch out for the worst. When you receive messages that provoke you, presume that the sender meant well, but didn’t express him- or herself competently. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Keep in mind all you know about the challenges of online communication: anonymity and online disinhibition, empathy deficits, and people’s tendency to express themselves inappropriately. At the same time, realize that some people enjoy conflict. Firing back a nasty message may be exactly what they want.
  3. Seek outside counsel. Before responding to online conflict messages, discuss the situation offline (ideally, face-to-face) with someone who knows you well, and whose opinion you trust and respect. Having an additional viewpoint will enhance your ability to perspective-take and will help you make wise communication decisions.
  4. Weigh your options carefully. Choose cautiously between engaging or avoiding the conflict. Consider the consequences associated with each option, and which is most likely to net you the long-term personal and relationship outcomes you desire. Ask yourself: will responding at this time help to resolve the conflict, or escalate things further?
  5. Communicate competently. When crafting your response, draw upon all you know about competent interpersonal communication. That is, use “I” language, incorporate appropriate emoticons, express empathy and perspective-taking, encourage the other person to share relevant thoughts and feelings, and make clear your willingness to negotiate mutually agreeable solutions. Perhaps most important, start and end your message with positive statements that support rather than attack the other person’s viewpoints.

Online Conflict

  • Effectively working through conflict online
  • image Wait before responding to a message or post that provokes you.
  • image Reread and reassess the message.
  • image Consider all of the factors that may have caused the other person to communicate this way.
  • image Discuss the situation offline with someone you trust.
  • image Craft a competent response that begins and ends with supportive statements, uses “I” language, expresses empathy, and emphasizes mutuality rather than just your own perspective and goals.