Printed Page 267

Self-Enhancing Thoughts

Arguably the biggest challenge we face in constructively managing conflict is our own minds. During conflicts, we think in radically self-enhancing ways. In a detailed study of conflict thought patterns, scholar Alan Sillars and his colleagues found that, during disputes, individuals selectively remember information that supports themselves and contradicts their partners, view their own communication more positively than their partners’, and blame partners for failure to resolve the conflict (Sillars, Roberts, Leonard, & Dun, 2000).

Sillars and his colleagues also found little evidence of complex thought. While conflicts are unfolding, people typically do not consider long-term outcomes (“How is this going to impact our relationship?”) and do not perspective-take (“How is she feeling?”). Instead, their thoughts are locked into simple, unqualified, and negative views: “He’s lying!” or “She’s blaming me!” (Sillars et al., 2000, p. 491). In only 2 percent of cases did respondents attribute cooperativeness to their partners and uncooperativeness to themselves. This means that in 98 percent of fights, you’ll likely think, “I’m trying to be helpful, and my partner is being unreasonable!” However, your partner will be thinking the exact same thing about you.

Self-enhancing thoughts dominate conflict encounters, stifling the likelihood of collaboration. Consequently, the most important thing you can do to improve your conflict-management skills is to routinely practice critical self-reflection during disputes. Although you might not ever achieve objectivity or neutrality in your thoughts, you can work toward this goal by regularly going through this mental checklist: