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Conflict in Relationships

Most conflicts occur between people who know each other and are involved in close relationships, such as romantic partners, friends, family members, and coworkers (Benoit & Benoit, 1990). Unlike people who don’t know each other well, people in close relationships experience prolonged contact and frequent interaction, which set the stage for disagreements over goals and behaviors.

In close relationships, conflicts typically arise from one of three issues (Peterson, 2002): irritating partner behaviors (e.g., a family member has an annoying personal habit, or your partner interrupts you while you’re working), disagreements regarding relationship rules (e.g., you and your partner disagree about texting with ex-partners, or family members disagree about inviting friends on family vacations), and personality clashes (e.g., you have a sunny disposition but your friend is a complainer, or you’re organized and ambitious but your partner is carefree and lazy).

Relationship partners often develop consistent patterns of communication for dealing with conflict that either promote or undermine their happiness. For example, happily married couples are more likely than unhappily married couples to avoid personal attacks during conflicts and instead focus their discussion on the differences at hand (Peterson, 2002). Such patterns are self-perpetuating: happy couples remain motivated to behave in ways guaranteed to keep them happy, and because they believe they can solve their problems, they are more likely to work together to resolve conflict (Caughlin & Vangelisti, 2000). In contrast, dissatisfied couples often choose to avoid important conflicts. Their failure to deal directly with their problems further fuels their unhappiness (Afifi, McManus, Steuber, & Coho, 2009).

Managing conflicts in close relationships presents unique challenges. We feel connected to our intimate partners, and disputes threaten that sense of connection (Berscheid, 2002). Your conflicts with loved ones are guaranteed to be intense and emotionally draining experiences. Conflicts also powerfully affect your future encounters and relationships. For example, if you and a sibling fight via text messages, this conflict will shape not only how the two of you will communicate when you are next face-to-face, but how you’ll feel about your relationship moving forward. As scholar Donald Peterson (2002) notes, “Every conflict and every resolution, as well as every failure at resolution, becomes a part of your overall relationship history” (p. 363).