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Resources

A final spark that kindles romantic attraction is the unique resources that another person offers. Resources include qualities such as sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, supportiveness, and whether the person seems fun, and these attributes are viewed as valuable by both straight persons and gays and lesbians (Felmlee et al., 2010). But what leads you to view a person’s resources as desirable?

Social exchange theory proposes that you’ll feel drawn to those you see as offering substantial benefits (things you like and want) with few associated costs (things demanded of you in return). Two factors drive whether you find someone initially attractive: whether you perceive them as offering the kind of rewards you think you deserve in a romantic relationship (affection, emotional support, money, sex, etc.), and whether you think that the rewards they can offer you are superior to those you can get elsewhere (Kelley & Thibaut, 1978). In simple terms, you’re attracted to people who can give you what you want, and who offer better rewards than others.

Once you’ve experienced attraction because of perceived rewards, the balance of benefits and costs exchanged by you and the other person, known as equity, determines whether a relationship will take root (Stafford, 2003). Romantic partners are happiest when the balance of giving and getting in their relationship is equal for both, and they’re least happy when inequity exists (Hatfield, Traupmann, Sprecher, Utne, & Hay, 1985).

What is inequity? People in relationships have a strong sense of proportional justice: the balance between benefits gained from the relationship versus contributions made to the relationship (Hatfield, 1983). Inequity occurs when the benefits or contributions provided by one person are greater than those provided by the other. People who get more rewards from their relationships for fewer costs than their partners are overbenefited; those who get fewer rewards from their relationships for more costs than their partners are underbenefited. Overbenefited individuals experience negative emotions such as guilt, while underbenefited partners experience emotions such as sadness and anger (Sprecher, 2001).

Equity strongly determines the short- and long-term success of romantic relationships. One study found that only 23 percent of equitable romances broke up during a several-month period, whereas 54 percent of inequitable romantic relationships broke up (Sprecher, 2001).