9.4.2 Coming Apart
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Coming Apart
Coming together is often followed by coming apart. One study of college dating couples found that across a three-month period, 30 percent broke up (Parks & Adelman, 1983). Similar trends occur in the married adult population: the divorce rate has remained stable at around 40 percent since the early 1980s (Hurley, 2005; Kreider, 2005). This latter number may surprise you, because the news media, politicians, and even academics commonly quote the divorce rate as “50 percent.”5 But studies that have tracked couples across time have found that 6 out of 10 North American marriages survive until “death does them part” (Hurley, 2005). Nevertheless, the 40 percent figure translates into a million divorces each year.
In some relationships, breaking up is the right thing to do. Partners have grown apart, they’ve lost interest in one another, or perhaps one person has been abusive. In other relationships, coming apart is unfortunate. Perhaps the partners could have resolved their differences but didn’t make the effort. Thus, they needlessly suffer the pain of breaking up.
Like coming together, coming apart unfolds over stages marked by changes in thoughts, feelings, and communication (see Figure 9.2). But unlike coming together, these stages often entail emotional turmoil that makes them difficult to negotiate skillfully. Learning how to communicate supportively while a romantic relationship is dissolving is a challenging but important part of being a skilled interpersonal communicator.
Figure 9.2 Stages of Coming Apart
Differentiating In all romantic relationships, partners share differences as well as similarities. But during the first stage of coming apart, differentiating, the beliefs, attitudes, and values that distinguish you from your partner come to dominate your thoughts and communication (“I can’t believe you think that!” or “We are so different!”).
Most healthy romances experience occasional periods of differentiating. These moments can involve unpleasant clashes and bickering over contrasting viewpoints, tastes, or goals. But you can move your relationship through this difficulty—and thus halt the coming-apart process—by openly discussing your points of difference and working together to resolve them. To do this, review the constructive conflict skills discussed in Chapter 8.
Differentiating
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Identify when you and your romantic partner are differentiating. -
Check your perception of the relationship, especially how you’ve punctuated encounters and the attributions you’ve made. -
Call to mind the similarities that originally brought you and your partner together. -
Discuss your concerns with your partner, emphasizing these similarities and your desire to continue the relationship. -
Mutually explore solutions to the differences that have been troubling you.
Circumscribing If one or both of you respond to problematic differences by ignoring them and spending less time talking, you enter the circumscribing stage. You actively begin to restrict the quantity and quality of information you exchange with your partner. Instead of sharing information, you create “safe zones” in which you discuss only topics that won’t provoke conflict. Common remarks made during circumscribing include, “Don’t ask me about that” and “Let’s not talk about that anymore.”
Stagnating When circumscribing becomes so severe that almost no safe conversational topics remain, communication slows to a standstill, and your relationship enters the stagnating stage. You both presume that communicating is pointless because it will only lead to further problems. People in stagnant relationships often experience a sense of resignation; they feel “stuck” or “trapped.” However, they can remain in the relationship for months or even years. Why? Some believe that it’s better to leave things as they are rather than expend the effort necessary to break up or rebuild the relationship. Others simply don’t know how to repair the damage and revive their earlier bond.
Avoiding During the avoiding stage, one or both of you decide that you no longer can be around each other, and you begin distancing yourself physically. Some people communicate avoidance directly to their partner (“I don’t want to see you anymore”). Others do so indirectly—for example, by going out when the partner’s at home, screening cell-phone calls, ignoring texts, and changing their Facebook status from “in a relationship” to “single.”
Terminating In ending a relationship, some people want to come together for a final encounter that gives a sense of closure and resolution. During the terminating stage, couples might discuss the past, present, and future of the relationship. They often exchange summary statements about the past—comments on “how our relationship was” that are either accusations (“No one has ever treated me so badly!”) or laments (“I’ll never be able to find someone as perfect as you”). Verbal and nonverbal behaviors indicating a lack of intimacy are readily apparent—including physical distance between the two individuals and reluctance to make eye contact. The partners may also discuss the future status of their relationship. Some couples may agree to end all contact going forward. Others may choose to maintain some level of physical intimacy even though the emotional side of the relationship is officially over. Still others may express interest in “being friends.”
Many people find terminating a relationship painful or awkward. It’s hard to tell someone else that you no longer want to be involved, and it is equally painful to hear it. Draw on your interpersonal communication skills to best negotiate your way through this dreaded moment. In particular, infuse your communication with empathy—offering empathic concern and perspective-taking (see Chapter 3). Realize that romantic breakups are a kind of death and that it’s normal to experience grief, even when breaking up is the right thing to do. Consequently, offer supportive communication (“I’m sorry things had to end this way” or “I know this is going to be painful for both of us”) and use grief management tactics (see Chapter 4). Conversations to terminate a relationship are never pleasant or easy. But the communication skills you’ve learned can help you minimize the pain and damage, enabling you and your former partner to move on to other relationships.