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Maintaining Romantic Relationships

Strategies to sustain romances, even long-distance ones

In the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Joel (Jim Carrey) and Clementine (Kate Winslet) are lovers struggling to maintain a bittersweet romance (Bregman, Golin, Gondry, & Kaufman, 2004). Clementine, an outgoing, self-described “high-maintenance girl,” is the opposite of quiet, bookish Joel, who communicates more with his private journal than with her. Following a fight, Clementine impetuously visits a clinic that specializes in memory erasure and has Joel expunged from her mind. Despondent, Joel follows suit. But the two meet again and find themselves attracted. Eventually discovering the truth—that they aren’t strangers at all but longtime lovers—they face a momentous decision. Do they invest the time and energy necessary to maintain their romance a second time, knowing that they failed so terribly before that they chose to destroy their memories? Or do they end it before their history of relational disaster can repeat itself? They discuss their dilemma:

CLEMENTINE: I’m not a concept, Joel, I’m just a messed-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. I’m not perfect.

JOEL: I can’t see anything that I don’t like about you.

CLEMENTINE: But you will!

JOEL: I can’t.

CLEMENTINE: But you will ! You know, you will think of things, and I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped because that’s what happens with me!

JOEL: OK.

CLEMENTINE: OK?

JOEL: OK.

Romantic relationships aren’t always about happiness and celebration. No matter how much you love your partner, you will still experience unpleasant moments such as feeling irked, bored, or trapped. In fact, on any given day, 44 percent of us are likely to be seriously annoyed by a close relationship partner (Kowalski, Walker, Wilkinson, Queen, & Sharpe, 2003). Though such experiences are normal, many people find them disturbing and wonder whether they should end the relationship. But Clementine’s and Joel’s choice in the conclusion of Eternal Sunshine—to accept the inevitable negatives as natural and move forward regardless—offers a message of hope. Wiping our mental slates clean and leaving our partners behind is not the only solution to romantic relationship challenges. Instead, we can choose to harness our interpersonal communication skills and invest the effort necessary to maintain our love.

To this point we’ve talked a good deal about the nature of love, and we’ve traced the stages through which many romances progress. Now let’s shift focus to a more practical concern: how can you use interpersonal communication to maintain a satisfying, healthy romantic relationship?