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Relational Intrusion

Sometimes romantic partners try to control you or behave in ways that invade your privacy. In mild cases, they might check up on you—talking with your friends or family to verify your whereabouts. In more extreme instances, they might search your phone or read your e-mail without permission. Such behaviors are known as relational intrusion: the violation of one’s independence and privacy by a person who desires an intimate relationship (Cupach & Spitzberg, 1998). Intrusion happens in all cultures, is equally likely to be perpetrated by men or women, and occurs both in current relationships and in those in which the partners have broken up (Lavy, Mikulincer, Shaver, & Gillath, 2009).

Within intact romances, two forms of intrusion are common (Lavy et al., 2009). The first is monitoring and controlling. A partner may text you constantly to ensure that you are always accounted for and instruct you to be home by a certain time. He or she may follow you or hire a private investigator to conduct surveillance. People who have experienced this behavior describe it as: “My partner wants to know where I am and what I’m doing all the time,” and “My partner does not let me meet my family or friends without him being present” (Lavy et al., 2009, p. 995). The second form of intrusion is invasion of privacy. This includes nosing or snooping through your belongings, computer, and phone and asking overly personal and suspicious questions designed to “interrogate” you.

For romances that have ended, intrusion is symptomatic of a person’s inability to let go. Of people who report difficulty in dealing with breakups, 79 percent admit behaving intrusively (Dutton & Winstead, 2006). The most common forms of postrelationship intrusion are leaving gifts and messages for the ex-partner, expressing exaggerated levels of affection (such as public serenades or posting love poems), physically following the ex-partner around, and showing up uninvited at the ex-partner’s home or work. If done repeatedly, these latter behaviors may turn into stalking, which is a criminal offense.

For its recipients, relational intrusion is decidedly negative and threatening. If the relationship is intact, intrusion generates strong negative impressions, uncertainty, and relational turmoil (Lavy et al., 2009). As one victim describes, “He was acting so unfair; I no longer was sure about our relationship” (Lavy et al., 2009, p. 999). For people dealing with postrelationship intrusion, anger and fear are common responses, and the intrusion may spark a desire to seek revenge against or act violently toward the intruding partner (Lavy et al., 2009).

What makes intrusion tricky, however, is that perpetrators typically perceive their behaviors positively, as reflecting love, loyalty, or just the desire to stay in touch (Cupach & Spitzberg, 2004). Consequently, they tend to minimize or deny the harms created by their undesirable actions.

How can you best deal with intrusion? Realize first that intrusion is absolutely unacceptable and unethical. No one has the right to impose themselves on another in an unwanted fashion. If you’re on the receiving end of intrusion, talk with your partner or ex directly about his or her behavior, and firmly express your discontent and discomfort. Use “I” language, avoid “you” language, and make it clear that your privacy is being violated and that the intrusive behavior is unacceptable (“I feel really uncomfortable receiving this gift” or “I am really upset by this, and I feel that my privacy is being invaded”). Importantly, keep your language respectful and polite. Avoid lashing out verbally, especially if you’re angry, as it will only escalate the situation. If the person’s behavior persists, contact local authorities to see what can be done. If you find yourself engaging in intrusive behaviors, desist immediately. The fact that you view your actions as well-intentioned is irrelevant. If you are making a partner or ex feel uncomfortable, you are behaving unethically. If you don’t know how to stop, seek counseling from a licensed therapist.