PARENTAL FAVORITISM

Many parents respond to this age-old dilemma by equally allocating their affection and resources. However, some parents engage in parental favoritism: where one or both parents allocate an unfair amount of valuable resources to one child over others. This may include intangible forms of affection, such as statements of love, praise, undue patience (letting one child “get away with anything”), and emotional support. Or it may involve tangible resources, such as cash loans, college tuition, cars, or job offers. For example, when my friend “Susan” was growing up, her father blatantly favored her sister over her. He bought her sister a BMW for her 16th birthday, but refused to loan Susan his car when she needed to get to work. Susan’s father paid her sister’s out-of-state college tuition, but refused to contribute toward Susan’s community college education. When she finally confronted him about his lifelong favoritism, his response was clear: “Your sister deserves all I’ve given her, because I love her more than you.”

Some parents manage to equally allocate their resources and affection, while others struggle to disguise their preference for one child over another. What impact might favoritism have on a family’s relationship and communication?

Parental favoritism has profound and enduring effects. Because favored children garner more of their parents’ resources, they are more likely than their siblings to be professionally successful as adults (Hertwig, Davis, & Sulloway, 2002). Favored children also report a greater sense of well-being and life satisfaction in adulthood than disfavored children (Suitor et al., 2009). At the same time, the relational consequences are devastating, especially for siblings. Studies show that siblings from households in which favoritism occurred feel and express substantially less warmth and more hostility toward one another than those where it did not. Similarly, siblings from favoritism families are substantially less close and report more conflict than those who grew up in equitable families (Suitor et al., 2009). This is true regardless of family size, gender of siblings, or the family’s ethnicity.

What’s the best approach for dealing with parental favoritism? First, realize that favoritism is never the fault of the favored child. The sad truth is that some parents play favorites. If you’re a disfavored child, avoid blaming your sibling. If you feel unmanageable resentment toward your favored sibling, seek counseling. Second, carefully consider whether it is worth confronting your parents. Unfortunately, challenging parental unfairness is unlikely to bring about positive outcomes. For one thing, you can’t control your parents’ behavior. Some parents may not even realize they favor one child over others, especially if their favoritism is subtle (for example, differential praise, attention, or emotional support). In such cases, challenging parents for being “unfair” will only hurt their feelings and create a rift between you, them, and the favored sibling. Alternatively, if your parents recognize and relish their preferential treatment, confrontation may lead them to defend their behavior in ways that hurt your feelings further.

Instead, focus on maintaining your sibling relationship by regularly practicing positivity, assurances, and self-disclosure. If you’re a favored child, realize that your siblings may resent you and all you’ve gained. Discuss this openly with them, and look for opportunities to “balance things out” between you and them, through acts of generosity and support. To repair the relational damage done by their father, for instance, Susan’s sister began quietly funneling financial support to Susan to help her pay for nursing school. Although Susan and her father no longer speak, she and her sister are quite close. This is an unusual outcome only achieved through both sisters’ hard work to overcome the bitter wedge driven between them in their youth.